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Me and my girlfriend would talk on the phone and we would have fun talking most of the times and so on. Though when she has cousins over or a friend, she is more excited and talks to me even more energetic and finds simple things amusing. She starts acting all sassy with me, says things that she normally wouldn't. Even when shes around her girlfriends and im there she acts so wild and crazy. Now it's not all bad but i just don't understand why she has to be like that when she has other companies..is it she feels more comfortable or more closer to her friends..i can't figure it out.

Hi Mikail

People will sometimes behave in ways they believe will be most beneficial for them, in other words if for some reason she believes that she has something to gain for behaving in this way in front of other people or even a specific group of people, then she will.

Basically, in her mind she has a representation that goes, if I do X then I get Y and Y is important to me because it means Z.

If I was to fill this out with words and this is in no way indicative of what is actually happening for your girlfriend, it’s just an example. If I am excited and sassy when talking on the phone to my boyfriend then my friends can see that I am in a vibrant relationship and that is important to me that they see this because it reaffirms that I am in a secure relationship. Or whatever it represents for her.

To find out what it really means, you would need to ask her, she is the only one who knows. Even having said this she may not be consciously aware that she is doing this or be aware of the reason behind her behaviour.


IMO, unless it is an issue just go with the flow, if it is an issue then I am sure you will be able to find the most appropriate way and time to discover the meaning behind the behaviour.


BTW, you could alway imagine that she just wants them to know what a great guy you are and she is showing off how lucky she is to have you in her life.


Have a great day

Frederic

Thanks Frederic Canal. I always thought about it of being me not being good enough. Never really thought about it in a positive way because sometimes i self sabotage myself and when i do, i sabotage her.

She is the greatest gift in my life to be honest, i have just broken her heart many times. I broke with her 3 times because of the frustration of her doings and my insecurity and self sabotage.
Now she tells me she has a part of her where she says she Trusts me, and that i have plans to be with her for the rest of my life, and the other part is "What if he leaves me again" And ive done it 3 times that she's having trouble believing that it will never happen again.

shes acting the way she wants to be seen by her friends. i had a girlfriend not long ago, she was the smartest girl of my age i ever knew, but her persona around certain people was so annoying i couldnt stand listening to her for one minute... so that was that with her: )....


edit: uhh, im a slow typer : )

My friend, if you keep thinking about her as one of greatest gift in your life and just be yourself around her, then she might just see that you are backing up your words with your actions. Having being in a similar situation, the damage can be undone and in my situation that was by backing up my words with my actions.

If you have not already done so, perhaps try to read the second post I made on another thread, it might be helpful to understand your own behaviour in this situation.

Let me know how you went

Have a great day

Frederic

So Mikail, what do you think you can do to assure her that you will be there for her? What options do you have to let her know that? Please don't be all that anxious about it. The congruency and consistency in your actions, as Frederic had pointed out, will do the magic.

Thanks guys, this gives me the hope and faith that she will start trusting me again.

These days I have really been bugging her about her School and Education.
Last year she was doing well, this year she's been having some problems on motivating herself and understanding how important education is. She wants to improve, but struggles. She has a hard time with Memory and attention span. She gets easily distracted.
I pressure her for her wellness. From taking the necessary actions to change her outcome, but she takes it in the wrong way sometimes. Like i was giving her advice on what she can do to Improve herself. I told her to get atleast 7-8 hours of sleep. Also to have Powernaps and so on and she say's Im not a "Machine". Were both pretty young and right now is the ages where "Fun" is mostly met, but if you could have that fun with great marks in school than i think it might be better.
I was wondering What NLP techniques i could do or use on her to unconsciously change her habits and get really motivated for School.
I really want to help her. I know many ways to help her in a conscious level but she doesn't give her full attention. I know if i use NLP or any other techniques in a Unconscious/Subconscious level that it will benefit her and she would thank me in the future.

I strongly suggest not to use any techniques on her without her approval. I understand why you want to do that. But still, using NLP "unconsciously" is not something I would buy into, or would suggest anyone else to do. A lack of interest/attention from her part when you are trying to help her indicates a lack of rapport, in my opinion. Building rapport, checking ecology, explicitly setting the outcome, all these precede using an NLP technique with anyone. I suggest you don't rush her into anything. Try building more rapport and let her understand in her own pace that she needs some help AND that you can help her.

Also, do you have any prior experience in successfully helping someone else through NLP? If not, then you need to really slow down.

I have managed to get her trust back. She's not 100% about it, though I know she still does, just afraid of "Past Experiences" she had with me breaking up with her.

Everything seems to be going well with her.
I have built rapport unconsciously with her.
How can I build rapport even further so I not only
know that she can trust me, but listen to me more often.
I need some Rapport building skills and techniques.
If you anyone has any other personal input on just making our relationship grow even further, than the pleasure is yours.

Hi Mikail,

If you are sure that you are able to build rapport with her on some level, as you've mentioned in your post, then use your sensory acuity to get feedbacks as to how she responds when you slightly change say, your voice tone or your body physiology etc. Notice if she unconsciously follows the same changes you made; this is popularly called leading. If you can lead effectively that is a good indication that you have really made a good rapport with her. Note that there are many higher aspects to rapport-building like matching values and beliefs of the other person, predicates he/she repeatedly uses and much more. Also, do not limit practicing rapport-building with her alone. In fact, I would say, you experiment as little as possible with her. Try rapport building techniques on others you interact normally. Starting pacing them when you talk to them and then try leadicng in between and see if it works. This has to be done on an ongoing basis. Also, let's not forget that it is the level of trust that you build with her that is important; mirroring/matching are all tools for that. Also remember, as a frame that encompasses this whole issue, it is YOU who wants her to be changed, not herself. I supose she is not even aware that there is a problem. So, tread carefully.

If you want to learn rapport-building techniques in detail, you can find lots of information in Frogs Into Princes and other B&G books.

Mikail,

Frederic is right. You need less talk and more action.

She's already heard you yammer on and on about what you think.

But, you know what?? Who cares what you say you think.

You've told her you care and then left her 3 *separate* times.

It's time to start showing a change in your behavior. And it better be consistent.

Or she won't buy that, either.

Honestly if you ask me you're incredibly lucky she's giving you another chance.

Because my policy has always been strike three and you're out. And I know LOTS! of women who will never give you more than a second chance.

The truth is, Mikail, I don't believe even now you've got it in you to do what's right.

But that's just me.

Venus :-/

To be honest, I have noticed her unconsciously doing what I do. I remember putting my hands together and right after she did the same thing. I remember straightening my back and she followed. I have made some rappor, I just notice the difference. You are right about having the same values and beliefs she has, Lately ive been interested in what she has liked or value the most and she has been so willing to listen and hear me out. I want to bring the rapport the next level to further create the influence cause it's been working so far, no problems, but more wouldn't hurt. The more the better i say.
If i mirror her constantly and so on, would this greater the rapport? I have the Trust going well. When I think about mirroring i think with a conscious mind that she will notice that im following what she does and take this to an advantage. I see mirroring as "Do as I do" type of situation and it just makes me think why mirror her when i can make her unconsciously mirror me.
This is no way of evil thinking, I see this as me helping her at an unconscious level, and thanking me unconsciouly.

Also; How can I use Sensory Aquity in my situation? I have some knowledge in the subkject as I am fairly new to it.


Ok I left her for more than just because of these problems I explain to you, she has done things that hurt me and she wasn't conscious of it, until i made her realize it, so she understands why I did what I did, the only thing that bugged her is that, she was afraid it would happen again.
Now that I have some rapport with her and on top of that gained my trust, I think " I have now got it in me to do what's right"
I respect your opinion, since that's your point of view but "Lots" of women is not the woman I am dating, she is unique in herself, just like every other woman is to another man. Thanks for the comment, I will reply back in the future in our progress.

Good luck to you, Mikail!

Venus :-)

Mikail, when you want someone to change or to do something different (change their behavior) more than they do, it comes through in everything you say and do, and that person knows it at a deep unconscious level. Disapproval can be poisonous to a relationsip, or so it seems to me.

I think it's important to a relationship, that each person accept themselves and the other person fully, just as they are. This doesn't mean you don't recognize things that might change, but that you don't have to change in order to accept that this is who you are right now, a starting point for the future, if you will. After all, this is the you that will make the changes you want to make in yourself now, and that's certainly worthy of your approval.

Your girlfriend doesn't need to change in order for you to accept her. This is who she is, and though she might indeed make changes as time goes on, she doesn't have to make them for you to accept her for what she is right now. When you stop needing her to change, it creates a disapproval-free zone that makes natural change easier, more effective, and more likely. When she can sense your approval and watch you make changes in yourself, without feeling she's being told what she ought to do, I think it's possible she's more likely to be attracted to the idea of change as a fun and pain-free process.

Just a thought. A long one .