I've read the 'common anecdotes' of stuff like 'don't take it persoanlly', 'it's just a learning experience', 'it's their loss' etc but these havent helped.

I've tried to do 'buddhist detachment' but I've just been too attached to let go as I feel the other person deserves to feel how they made me feel and I keep turning it over and over in my mind til I eventually manage to forget about it.

At the time such snubs can make me intensely angry. I had a great day yesterday throughout and one rejection on an online dating site has had me angry ever since. Logically it seems really stupid but my anger just doesnt subside for ages until time eventually wears it out.

In person Ive managed to minimise such situations but with online dating such minimization seems rather out of my control. So ironically real life I can deal with or rather avoid it better but online makes me even more angry.

For example I'd sent a message to one girl and in reply I simply got 'sorry, Im not interested'. I tried to send something to save face but got rebuffed yet again with 'fragile egos bruise easily ' which of course only enraged me more.

What makes me so angry is how girls can just sit there and gain pleasure rejecting men day and night. Another common nugget is that 'everyone gets rejected' implying itll be their turn next but this is total bullcrap since women can go their whole lives not getting rejected and make men feel like shit as their little hobby.

I know these are not good mindsets to have and they have made me really really bitter and angry in the past which only hurts me. At the same time I havent been able to figure out a better way to frame such situations- all the stuff I've read seems like stuff someone who's never been rejected says they think you SHOULD deal with it from their ivory tower.

Advice welcome.

"What makes me so angry is how girls can just sit there and gain pleasure rejecting men day and night."

How do you know that's what they are doing?

Because I have had many bad rejections form women in my past and presume the worst in them I guess.

Synergy wrote:

Because I have had many bad rejections form women in my past and presume the worst in them I guess.

But how do you KNOW that they are gaining pleasure from this activity?

Besides the reason doesnt matter it still angers me they did it as it makes me feel like a worthless individual

Jake,

First let me offer some empathy here – I know how it feels to be rejected… and also how annoying is not to remember at all time that you cannot help or change people’s bad taste.

The same you cannot change people’s taste, it is hardly believable that in turn they can make you do anything, especially as far as your taste and responses to what seems to be going on is concerned.

In terms of frames, NLP usually offers couple of options here. Let me give you one.

Did you realize that you used, a couple of times in your post, a pattern that goes like this “[somebody] made me [something].”

In fact, it is psychological impossibility, even though it may feel like that, in reality you are the author of your feelings and emotions – nobody is in a position to “make you do” or feel anything – you are the owner, no matter if you are conscious of it or not yet.

Taking responsibility for your responses is technically called “being at cause.”

To take up this frame requires some encouragement or willful stance to allow yourself to open up to the possibility that it is in fact some aspect of you that operates as a decision maker on how you respond to this or that.

Of course there are many technical steps NLP has to offer to help you integrate this pattern or frame in your daily practice. But this may be beyond the scope of this post. Cheers

Well I am interested specifically in alternative more postive frames and how to keep them instilled in my mind.

Online dating...
I'm not sure how are the statistics of the site you are using for online dating in your region, yet if it is the way it is over here where I'm living and in the site where I'm subscribed right now in 50km near me there are 4 women and 31 men. Competition is really tough.
They are in a position to choose while we as men are not.
It took me a lot of time to make a nice profile, I spent hours doing it and from time to time I try to improve it, and nobody ever visits me, and from my messages no matter how much effort I put in them are hardly replied.

I wanted to understand my situation and open an account as a woman. I put some pictures of an ok looking friend who lives in the other side of the world, and fill in the profile in 2 minutes. That account has something like 20 visitors a day and 3 messages a day.

Most people will get angry when they invest some time and effort and nobody appreciates it. Most women are clueless about how much time and effort we invest in our profiles and messages, they've never put any on them, how do you expect them to think that we might get hurt and therefore angry or upset by their rejection?

Lets say did some work that for you the price of it is only 10$ and you get plenty of offers asking you 1000$ for that job you did, how would you feel about them? are you going to respect them? won't you think that there is something fishy in the transaction if by giving 10$ you'll receive 1000$? If you are raised with certain type of principles do you think you would accept the 1000$ from everybody? or just from one of them? if it is just one who are you going to choose? will you feel bad for all the ones you are rejecting by not accepting their 1000$? at the end they are loosing only 10$ right?

If I'm barefoot and I hit one of my little toes with the door of the toilet at night, it will hurt a lot. The door wasn't the one who hurt me, and I do not have a choice to feel or not feel the pain.... After that I probably have a choice to be angry with the door, be angry with me, with the architect that designed the door. I might be able to reframe the situation into something funny, that could be good but the fact is that the situation hurt you and the pain is still there.

If you put some effort on something and nobody appreciates it, it will hurt. There is no way out of it. If you want to run a marathon it will hurt a lot... That is the price you have to pay for it. Stop thinking about justice and if the situation is fair or not... it isn't it sucks... Are you willing to pay the price? The moment you'll be willing to pay that price I promise that you wont be angry anymore. You'll be hurt, but not angry.

Synergy wrote:

Well I am interested specifically in alternative more postive frames and how to keep them instilled in my mind.

Try the one coming from Michael Hall: The one who sets the frame, wins the game.

Every interaction could be presented as a game and in turn each game could be understood as a set of moves each side executes to achieve his/her outcomes.

Setting the frame means you keep yourself at cause and that you apply this by deciding (even before you engage in the game,) how you would evaluate if you were successful.

In your case it may specifically mean that you will take a risk of consciously investing in the dating attempt but at the same time you give yourself a permission or willfully decide that should the "market choose not select you," which means you do not happen to be accepted, it will not spoil your effort and affect your mood.

Rather, you will not take it as a failure and opportunity to take it in as useful feedback. This approach makes you a winner whatever the outcome, because it allows you to keep your freedom to try or not to try again, and you avoid ruminating about the outcome that is just one of the spectrum that could materialize itself. So what?

Cheers

Funny you mention him actually as I decided to pickup 'winning the inner game' by him thinking I could glean some more good knowledge from it.

I really didnt apply much of what was in there on the first reading and have been meaning to go back to it which I am doing so now.