Hi,

This is likely to be a loaded question but does anyone have tips on handling someone who shows PA tendancies? (I know I'm not in a position to give a clinical diagnosis).

My issue is two-fold. I know I can use sarcasm to attack someone with rather than be 100% direct. I know this, I catch myself doing it and I'm making an effort to stop. I do get frustrated when I'm trying to be direct and people do the whole withdrawing in to themselves (or in this case 1 specific person). This leads to me getting angry = them withdrawing more. Time passes, reset button pressed and everything is ok for a while.

I know I need to break this pattern in my own behaviour but I'm also looking for suggestions how I can encourage someone to trust me enough to express themselves in a more productive way? (yes I know more productive for me)

It feels like some push-me pull-me relationship with neither of us being consistant in our responses apart from this very frustrating cycle.

Hi Yvonne,

PA behavior is learned. It has its roots in low self confidence and a desire to fight for what is left of it. The problem here is that one doesn't have the confidence to be able to effectively communicate for fear of 'giving away' yet more ground / leaving oneself open.

It seems logical then to attack from the sidelines and claim what was said wasn't intended that way.
In this scenario, ones ammunition is the success of fitting 'reality' into self serving narratives (victim hood, 'proof' you don't love me, etc).
Of course there is little evidence only perception, and this only seeks to distort 'reality'.

The 'answer' may be honest expression of feelings - accepting and understanding the underling fears.
For example, it might take great courage to name and explain (and not defend) ones PA behavior.
Once the cards are turned over, people can forgive themselves and move forward.

People can calm emotional storms by seeking rational and alternative explanations.
The 'Meta Model' might help in rationalizing and clarifying communication.
I feel it is better to be 'happy' than to be 'right'. - meaning don't score small points for the sake of it.

When it comes to dealing with other people PA behavior, its important to be in rapport and seek to sensitively 'speak to the motivation' behind the communication rather than the words themselves.


Cheers, Ben

SLK wrote:

I know I need to break this pattern in my own behaviour but I'm also looking for suggestions how I can encourage someone to trust me enough to express themselves in a more productive way? (yes I know more productive for me)

The only suggestion I have is to continuously demonstrate the the behaviour you and the other person desire.

There are no tips, tricks or short cuts to Trust, IMO if there were it would mean the Trust you are attempting to gain was not fully genuine.

Trust can only be earned over time and every time it is broken the hill that you need to climb becomes a little higher.

The thing you might want to check is whether the other party is prepared to give you the opportunity to demonstrate the new behaviours and if not, then you will both be wasting your time.

John

He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness

Start with some real information, written by a psychologist with experience in the area:

Passive-Aggression: A Guide for the Therapist, the Patient and the Victim by Martin Kantor

Thank you for your comments. It's certainly draining and does appear at times as if you're playing on someone elses terms. The trust issue is an odd one, at times they seem very open and other times clam up, which is when I get frustrated and tests my belief in 'behaviour not the person'...I'll see how things go.

Thank you for the book recommendation.

Three ideas for books if you choose to explore this further:

1. Crucial Confrontations

2. Nonviolent Communication

3. Women Who Run With the Wolves

The first two books teach similar ways to put the other person at ease and communicate in a framework of win-win. When it goes off track, it shows how to return to positive win-win often by helping the other person to feel safe and letting them know you are "on their side." Both are excellent books in my opinion. The first one is more mainstream and applied to both business and personal settings. The second has more of a self-help and spiritual flavor but teaches very similar ideas.

The third book is full of hypnotic teaching stories from around the world - and the author is a beautiful storyteller. The book is quite long, but highly recommended. It not exactly what you asked for, and the reason I thought to include it is that it helps readers connect to a sense of power, safety, and community. It's kind of a combination of therapy, love, and healing entertainment. In my experience, the more one feels truly powerful - many of the attack/defend patterns in communication begin to simply drop away naturally.

It’s difficult to be direct with people about why we feel offended or upset. That’s because we generally need time to digest the information that has raised these emotions with in us in the first place. It is beneficial to understand why we feel the way we feel before expressing our feelings. This allows us to not second guess ourselves and respond rationally.