Hi all,
My 1 year long girlfriend got a pHD scholarship and she started it as a formal job 5 months ago. She is getting payed to do that and she has to be working on it 38 hours a week. She also plans to finish her second master this year. I think it is a little too much work but I support her if she has high goals that's ok.

What worries me a little is that she goes to work on the PhD at 9 on weekdays, finishes her pHD job at 5 goes home and continues working on it or on the Thesis unitl 11pm.
Some weeks ago we had an argument because she told me that I was distracting her on the weekends and that she will come to visit me or I will come to visit her if I let her study for some hours. It was hard for me to accept that but I thought ok is just 6 months that she is doing her 2nd master after that it will be better.
I think her master thesis is going well so far so last weeks she stopped working from 5pm till 11pm on her thesis but she was at home still working on the pHD and she has no deathlines. We spent the weekend together and she worked for 4 hours on saturday and 5 hours on sunday still on the pHD.

She is not happy doing it... I can feel that she is stressed. She finished working and she wanted to talk about her work and not in a pleasent way.

I've used NLP, Sedona Method and EFT on me to modify some of my behaviours and if a friend asks me for help I know I can give him/her some excersises or recommend some material in order to melt the stress. But in this case she gets really angry if I mention anything related to work less, relax, enjoy your time, go to yoga, do some sports, etc.

Maybe it is my own problem, I should use my spare time to work more, and look how to earn more money instead of running, going to the gym, going to concerts, playing videogames and planning small trips on the weekend that I end not doing them because a more responsible person knows that working is more important.

What can I do? should I accept her as she is and love her and support her even in things that I personally don't like and that I find them harming for her ?
Should I break up, let her be and continue with my life even though I still have a lot of feelings for her ?
Or is there a way to show her that the way to melt stress and guilt is not by working more on solving job related problems, because there is an infinite amout of them and once one is solved the next one will appear and stress you again.
Or can someone convince me that I'm the one doing wrong and that I shouldn't be happy but should be stressed and concerned more about working more and earning more money.
Or some other solutions that I haven't seen yet.

Thanks a lot.
Jan.

Hi Jan. Any of the ideas you've listed will get you results. It is really good to hear in your post how much you seem to care about the relationship and how you are putting effort into finding a way that things could be better.

It could potentially help to sit down and really focus on what you want. What would things be like if things were different in a really good way? If she was working less how could you be spending that time together?

I've been in a relationship that had some parallels but was slightly different. Essentially my partner was training (sports) an extreme amount. Working 70+hrs a week as an accountant for a resources company and then spending 2~3hrs a day on physical activity (1 rest day a week, normally spent doing all the chores around the house that were otherwise left undone). Not only was there barely enough time for enough sleep to be properly rested but when we had time together it was pretty low quality time as they were drained from their work/training. We went for weeks on end without going out to dinner, parties or other things couples do together. Discussing cutting back was not a discussion they would enter into and it created quite a bit of conflict. The strategy that I found worked in the end was I talked about how much I wanted them to reach their goals and sat down with them and got a really good understanding of what they were aiming for. Then I offered to help (The easiest way for me to do that was to take charge of cooking/meals when we were together so they ate properly) and actively encouraged that they do EVEN MORE towards their goals. Basically I encouraged them to do so much more, and through taking care of other time consuming tasks made it possible for them to do even more, that it reached a point where they said "Why am I doing this?". We had a huge talk about it, I said I really wanted them to reach their goals, but more importantly I wanted them to be happy and enjoying what they were doing. It ended up with them reshuffling their training schedule and doing only 2hrs exercise three times a week AND spending less time on work stuff. It made a HUGE difference to the relationship. Not sure if that is any help to you, but something else that may be worth considering.

Good luck with moving forward. Because you care about them I'm sure you'll become aware of something and implement something with good results sooner or later

Hi Jan. I don't see much of an issue with your girlfriend. Her position and the present stress she is on, is understandable considering the things she has to accomplish. Forgive me if you feel that I am wrong, it's just my perspective. My question to you is, how exactly is this an issue to you? You have stated that you have used NLP, EFT etc to change your behaviour, but what exactly were you trying to change? What is the outcome you are after? If your outcome has to do anything with changing your girlfriend, then I am afraid, you are in for more disappointment and pain. Hope you would clarify.

Vivek.

Well it is an issue to me because, I want to have a girlfriend to spent quality time with. And it is really difficult not only because of the lack of time but also because she doesn't have energy after working so much, she can't stop thinking about work no matter what we are doing... She in her mind is still trying to figure it out what to do with her work. And if by some reason she manages to forget about work for 1 hour then she feels guilty.

It is an issue to me because working is not something that she enjoys doing and brings her passion and good emotions in her life. It is draining her. So in the few moments she has for me I have to deal with a anxious, stressed, kind of depressed, angry person, which is not that fun.

That's how it affects directly to me.

Personally I don't think her behaviour is healthy in the long term. Personally I don't think she HAS to do so much. Personally I think she is scared, she has low confidence and she wants the supervisors to see that she deserves that position not because of her skills but because she is a hard worker. When the fact she has the skill requiered. Personally I think that whenever she does something in work she hears in her head the voice of her mother saying: "it is not good enough!". And she thinks all the supervisors and people at her work will say the same.
Personally I belive in quality over quantity and that one sacrifices the other. Personally I don't believe someone who is stressed, depressed, angry and tired can do a quality job for long time. Personally I believe that if she relaxes a bit, enjoys her time and rest good, good ideas will flow and she will be able to do a quality job in less time.

I used NLP to change my self image, become more confident, change my self talk, accept myself, become a social person because I was a very solitary one because I was scared from people. For me it was extremelly difficult to let work go. If I had to do a task I would have to finish it or I wouldn't be able to sleep, I used and still use NLP and sedona method to be able to forget about work once I step out of the office. I use NLP to get myself in a good mood, etc.

She wants help, she asks for it, she wants things to change, but there are thousends of things that she wants to be different, and for most of them she can't do much about them, still I believe that she can change her perception about things and I've been there I've tried a lot of things, I can recommend her some things and exercises to do because I was there. Now when I talked about this to her, she gets angry and attacks me. So I put my comment aside and have to continue listening on how her supervisor is not paying enough attention to her and how everybody asked her to do something different and how there is always a new problem and how she is trying and trying and everything seems to go nowhere.

My outcome for a perfect scenario would be to have 29 hours of quality time with her a week.
normal scenario 12 hours of quality time her a week.
bad scenario 4 hours of quality time with her a week. 4 hours a week if it is temporary while she finishes her thesis is something I can take, even less if deathlines are approaching. But for a longer period I don't know if I can take it without starting to turn the good feelings for her into bad ones.

Hope I clarified.

Jan,

I am correct in thinking that you have shared your concerns and thoughts with her and she is unwilling to change (for whatever reason)? If she does not want to change then from what I see you have a simple set of choices to choose from.

I worked night shifts to get myself through University. If any partner issued me with an ultimatum (as some did) to give up one of these things then the very fact they were prepared to issue an ultimatum meant that I would not choose them.

Can I ask you a direct question? Are you just looking for a way out of the relationship?

Thanks,

Matt

To Matt,

I care a lot about her and the relationship. I want her to obtain her pHd and her second Master. To my mind right now she is doing something wrong for her, she is working much more than what is needed and this extra amount of work instead of increasing her productivity is decreasing it, she kind of knows that but still she doesn't know how to break the cycle. I think I already put a lot of details about her situation I don't want to put more. I don't consider them appropiate. I even feel like I'm gossiping a little too much about her over here, and it isn't something that makes me feel good. On the contrary I struggled in order to create this thread. Still I thought someone could give some ideas or recommendations about the subject, as Lloyd did.

I have my reasons to believe that she can become or is becoming a workaholic, and I'm experiencing how this behaviour is hurting her health, well being and it is also hurting a little bit the relationship that we have.

It doesn't have to be workaholism, it can be any other addiction the thing is that a person that I care for is not doing very well now and I want to help her and together with that improve the relationship that we have.

As a figure of authority like a psychologist to the patient, a priest to the believer, teacher to a student it is somehow easy to tell the other person what to do (or how to use NLP) in order to help him/her. Inside of a relationship it is not so easy to use that approach, I'm sure not even Bandler is able to use that approach to his wife or his kids.

Maybe someone knows some other strategies or approaches for it.

Lloyd's suggestion is excellent, and likely as good as you're going to get if you want to keep your relationship.

You have clarified more than enough. You seem to be disappointed as you were looking for some strategies, and you did not get what you want. I understand that you have very strong reasons for helping your woman, and they all are valid too. The thing is, your girlfriend does not realise that she needs help. She may have asked for it, but unless there is a willingness to undergo a change-work, there is very little chance for any success, and things could even get worse, like what happened in your case. The more you strive to help, the more defensive she is going to be. That is why I said earlier that if your outcome has anything to do with changing her, you are in for more disappointment. Take you outcome for a perfect scenario, for example; you want to spend certain hours per week with her. But, as this outcome involves (and is controlled to a certain extent) by another person, that is, her, the chances that this outcome will be met consistently, is very less. One option that I can think of, is to talk to her openly about this. Don't tell her things like working this hard is bad or is not required and all that. Just tell her that you understand how important her work is for her and that you support her. Also tell her that it would be nice if she is willing to spend some time every week with you, during which she may not be thinking about her work, and would focus on spending quality time with you.

Vivek.