Hello. I need help to fall out of love. For real, this time.

I took a second chance with this man I was completely, madly in love with. We were together for 9 months. Things were going better and better. Then last week a wild, lethal row: I leave him, he leaves me. I admit I messed up this time. I still love him, but hey, we had our chance: it didn't work out. He'll never take me back, and I'm not sure if I would take him back (well, of course I would if he just begged me a little... I love him ).

I've started doing things:

1. a list of all his faults
2. a paper about how happy I am now that it's over
3. a list of bad things that happened when we were together, to use in a NLP technique I can't name but you already guessed...

I've used a technique I read to stop crying all the time: I see "happy me" and I push away "crying me" (using the appropriate submodalities).

My biggest problems at the moment:

1. it's all about him. If I think about old things, it's me in my mind telling him, if I think about the future, it's about meeting with him, etc. In my mind, I talk to him all of the time.
2. I still wait for him. I wait for his call, I wait for an email. A sign. I'd love to hear him say that he loves me and no matter what we'll make it through. But hey... (and writing this, I've started crying again! )

Any suggestion on how can I target these specific problems?

(I've started reading "Get the life you want" by Bandler, I'm at page 29)

Dear Emily,
As of now, only thing I can say is, continue reading the book. I remember there is a section called "Get over it" (or something like that). Should be helpful to you. And, hold on; you will do just fine, soon.

Vivek.

Emily,

How to Mend a Broken Heart

Wil Horton, Psy. D.

Recently I have received several calls from people wanting tips on helping others who are in bad straights from failed relationships. They want to know how to help. There comes times when it is hard to let go of a failed or terminated relationship, it is at these times that our conscious mind cannot override these deep feelings. It may be even more painful during special days like anniversaries or the holiday season. When I have a client with this I use a version of the phobia technique, which I jazzed up, called Mending a Broken Heart Process.
This is not only for lover relationships, but friendships, even job loss can be listed here.
When many people loss their jobs (as in the current downsizing) they go through more of these grieving/loss feelings than most people realize.
How can we help? When you look at how people naturally overcome this grieving/loss experience? I think we can use our tools to speed up the natural process. Have the person think of someone they used to be in a relationship with but now they have no feelings for, maybe a high school love, or an old friend who now is out of your life.
The first time I used this I was pleasantly surprised at how well it worked. I had a weight loss client, who appeared very down at one of her follow up sessions, When I inquired into this she told me of her recent break up with her boyfriend. (I knew from previous conversations that this was an ongoing on again/ off again relationship). I asked her if she would like to be rid of her strong attachment to this relationship, she answered quickly, YES! So I walked her through this process. I made a not to follow up on her next visit.
She returned and I asked her what happened, she told me the following. "I felt fine after our session but a couple of days later he called and wanted to talk, I told him no. The next days he sent flowers to my work, and called me, I was not interested. The next days he showed up at work with more flowers and a ring. I thought about it but I did not want to get back on the merry go round. It was strange; this would have worked before, but not now.
At this point I asked her if she would like her attachment for him back, since we could install that, she laughed and said no. The moral, make sure they want to remove the strong feelings.
Here are the steps.
First we must acknowledge the protection process involved
The part of you that has been protecting you all this time by making you feel bad is an important and valuable part. We want to preserve its ability to protect you in future situations. The purpose of this technique is to refine and improve your brain’s ability to protect you by updating its information. We will not remove the memories, just the strong emotional response.

• With your eyes open or closed, imagine you’re sitting in the middle of a movie theater and you see a black and white snapshot of yourself on the screen.

• Now, float out of your body and up into the projection booth. See yourself sitting in the movie theater seat, and you notice the black and white photo on the screen. You may even wish to imagine Plexiglas over the booth’s opening, protecting you.

• Now, watch protected in the projection booth, as the other you in the movie theatre watches a black and white movie of a younger you going through the entire relationship, the good, the bad, from the first meeting to the end. Watch the whole event, starting before the beginning to the end. Observe until you are beyond the end of it, when everything was OK again.

If you are not fully detached, make the theater screen smaller and farther away, make the picture grainier and stop and start the film so that when you’re done viewing it, you’re completely detached. End the movie after the relationship event, with a freeze frame of yourself.

• Next, leave the projection booth and slip back into the present you in the theater seat. Then, step into the freeze photo of the younger you, who is feeling OK again, at the movie’s end. This is double dissociation. Now, run the entire movie of that relationship backwards in color, taking two seconds or less to do so. Be sure to go all the way back to before the beginning. See, hear, and feel everything going backwards in those two seconds or less. Add some circus music, you may want to see your ex-partner with a clown nose, and feet.
• Repeat this process 2 to 3 times.
• Now bring up a collage of all the negative times you had with this person. Be honest, all the hurts and slights should be here.
• Let this fade away into your past.
• Now bring up an image of this person, and notice all of the connections you have with this person. You may notice cords of light, or energy strings. Pay attention to all the connections. Head to head, heart to heart, sex to sex, spirit to spirit. In whatever way is right for you, cut the cords. You may want to use a silver sword, or special scissors. Once you have cut the cords, reattach them to yourself, and let them reattach theirs to them. Release them to find their highest good, as you release your self.

To test the process, attempt to return to the bad feeling state in any way you can. What if you were faced with that person now? If you still get a negative response, repeat the steps 1 to 8 exactly, but faster each time, until none of the phobic response remains. Thank your higher self for helping and get on with your life.

This is copied and pasted from my NFNLP manual. Get a friend to help with this (doing the reading).

Good luck

Hi Emily

You could...

1. Close your eyes and think of all the great stuff about him or the relationship. Every time you get something, notice the submodalities - then grey them out, fuzzy them up, push them away, turn them down or whatever works to sap the life out of them.

2. Then, when you have done a thorough job, go through everything that was lees than satisfactory (everything), about him or the relationship (find his every flaw). Everytime you get something, make it bigger, brighter closer , louder or whatever it takes to make it as 'juiced up' as possible.

3. Keep going, and feel the 'f**k that' growing as you go.

4. When you have had enough, just think 'enough' and let it all go.

5. Then think about how you want to be in the future NOW. How good you want to feel, how resourceful, independent or whatever. Close your eyes and see yourself at your very best having made that decision now - see all the details: how you move, body language, the expression on your face, the people you are with, the fun, the new opportunities. Hear your laughter, the rhythm of your voice, the energy in it (knowing that that you feels so good). Then step into that version of yourself and see what you see, feel what you feel, and feel those good feelings.

6. Step back out, and take everything you have learned and put it in a special place, deep down within yourself, close to the very essence of your being - a place where everything is true (let your intuition guide you to that place).

Now those learnings are in that place, you only need to step out into that different future and notice what's profoundly different about your new experience.

Now, if you do that at 100%, you will notice a very big shift, and you will start enjoying the changes straight away.

Do you do any self hypnosis? If you do, put yourself into trance directly after the above process with the remit of your inner mind making any necessary adjustments to fully implement what you have learned from the process.

If you take the quiet time out to do this process (really make a ritual of it), you will find it to be not only powerful, but also enjoyable.

All the very best

James

Dear Vivek,

I have little time these days but that book won't be left unfinished, for sure.

Dear Dave,

your technique seems too difficult to understand to me. Sorry, maybe it's because I have problems with English. I don't get if I should think about an old relationship or the bad, latest one. And too many shifts. Difficult to do by yourself.

Dear James,

great routine. I've done something similar following Bandler, yesterday, felt immediatly better, and now I've tried yours: it feels good too. I'll keep practicing.

Thank you everybody, I think I can make it. And so much sooner than expected.

Wait!!!!!

Just think of Me as him, and definitely you would be then be on your way to a completely fulfilling happier life!

Want my love life resume?

Maybe I haven't got something so intence like what you are living now but this is what I do when I want to get rid of a bad state or emotion.

1st I go out to run (but it can be any physical activity you enjoy) I get physically tired and then I'm in a good state to let this annoying state to go.

2nd I use what I understood about the Sedona Method maybe I'm not correct but this works for me, so here it goes: I consiouslly make an effort to bring all this feelings, thoughts, sensations, emotions that are uncomfortable, and then I ask to myself:
"can I let this go?"
and I answer the question as honestly as I can.
Then I ask: "would I let this go ?" and again I answer as honest as I can most of the times is "yes I would"
finally then I ask: "when would I let this go?" and here the answer should always be "Now"
And then I repeat it I bring all this bad stuff as best as I can...
for me after a few iterations even if I'm able to bring this bad stuff I start to laugh about it...
It works very good for me, you might want to try it. And I've found that everytime I try it I need less iterations to banish these unuseful states.

Jan_Schneider wrote:

Maybe I haven't got something so intence like what you are living now but this is what I do when I want to get rid of a bad state or emotion.

1st I go out to run (but it can be any physical activity you enjoy) I get physically tired and then I'm in a good state to let this annoying state to go.

2nd I use what I understood about the Sedona Method maybe I'm not correct but this works for me, so here it goes: I consiouslly make an effort to bring all this feelings, thoughts, sensations, emotions that are uncomfortable, and then I ask to myself:
"can I let this go?"
and I answer the question as honestly as I can.
Then I ask: "would I let this go ?" and again I answer as honest as I can most of the times is "yes I would"
finally then I ask: "when would I let this go?" and here the answer should always be "Now"
And then I repeat it I bring all this bad stuff as best as I can...
for me after a few iterations even if I'm able to bring this bad stuff I start to laugh about it...
It works very good for me, you might want to try it. And I've found that everytime I try it I need less iterations to banish these unuseful states.

Also, a way to conjure some a useful states.

Hello people, on a scale from 1 to 10, I'm about 7.

My life goes on, I do things, I work, I see friends... I'm good most of the time. This was an affective addiction, it wasn't our fist split, and things were soooo much worse the previous times. Now, though I think it's the last time this happens, I'm pretty good. Even friends noticed it.

Jan, thank you, I knew nothing about the Sedona Method, it looks like something worth trying.

Now a very specific issue: I stil feel a bit of anxiety around things like Skype, mail, my cellphone... a part of me is still waiting (too much) for him to call me back, and so I keep expecting something from him and everytime I see there's a new message or something, I get a little heartache.
Can you suggest me anything specific against this?

Get yourself a Go phone with a new number and leave all of the rest of that stuff alone for a while. Maybe 60 to 90 days should do the trick.

Then, relax and have fund. Enjoy yourself meeting new people and do seem real (face-to-face) social networking.

You never know, just like Mike suggested, you just might find someone else who fits the bill.

Take care,

Venus

P.S. It's cliche, I know, but you yourself already pointed this out, so I'll just reinforce it. This sort of thing really does get easier with time.

Emily,

Just a few suggestions, I hope that at least one of them is of some worth to you.

Read though this post and do not do any of the tasks, then once finished, read through again and take your time in doing the tasks.

Think back to the time when you realised that you want to make something with your life, for me it was when I left college and realised that with my new bunch of friends and new qualifications the only limits I had were what I put on myself, it is quite easy to put yourself in such a state when we take a few seconds of our busy schedules and allow ourselves to day dream again. I want you to think about what time in your life represents an empowering time and you have one of lifes cross roads in front of you and no matter which way you go the future is looking good. What songs were in the charts at this time? What car were you driving? Where were you living, what was it like to live there? Spend a few moments to think back to who you were then and what life was like.

Do this now.

Now I have a few specific questions for you. What did that past version of you want from her future partner? What parts of adult life was that younger person of you looking forward to? What things in her life defined who she is and what she is about? Ask her for some advice on where to go from here.

Do this now.

I was chatting to a friend of a friend who was rethinking her love life with her partner of 10 years, she thought back to the person she wanted to be before she met this guy and always saw children and pets, in particular a spaniel, in her future and this chap wanted neither. Regardless of all the good times he could never give her the full package. She had two pathways ahead of her, every step back towards this chap meant she had to justify to her future children and puppy spaniel that she wanted him more than them. A few weeks later I asked how she was getting on and she replied that she could not even think about the chap without wincing in disgust because her future with childern and a spaniel dog outweighed anything he could ever offer. She told me that she now goes back to her day dreams and polishes them up and have seen what her future self buys her children for christmas and has a shortlist of names for her dog.

When you day dream about your future, what things are you not prepared to comprimise on?

Move on now.

For many people a divorce or break up is looked back on as a time in which someone was given the opportunity to reinvent themselves for the better and get themselves back on track in terms of being the person they actually want to be and not the person they end up being manupulated into being.

With you back in touch with the positive side of you I am sure you will not be thinking to much about the past, if you do, rather than dwell on this chap and listing past events, make a list of things which go under the heading "Which ever girl this chap ends up with, her life will be without...."

and

"if I got back with this chap my future would never have...."

and then make sure you never end up being without these things again!

You sound like a sincere and genuine person, the future is bright, loving and fun, come and enjoy it!

Thanks,

Matt

Venus, can't really avoid that stuff: I need it for work.
Well, I'll manage. Every day I'm a little further away from him, I have my life - which is so much better in many ways, without him.

Matt, thank you, I'll try doing that as well.

Thank you guys, you're all sweet and caring and helpful, I really appreciate your help.

in_doubt wrote:

Hello. I need help to fall out of love. For real, this time.

I admit I messed up this time.

I admit I messed up this time.

Sorry, before I get to even opened my mouth 1st, my fingers did the ticking. I'm no expert on cohabitation and as everyone I know thus you're own your own. My only regret is I'm not there to console you 'ala Benny Hill style while the Time is Over for Real- this time's up! Having said all of that, I'm sure You Are A Competent Person and you'll figure and work things out self-empoweringly.

I found this at Amazon, I don't know if it's even related and I highly recommend The Book because and I'm buying another Book: Presenting-Magically-Transforming-Stage-Presence.

Mikee wrote:

Just think of Me as him, and definitely you would be then be on your way to a completely fulfilling happier life!

Just to make it clear my resume is nothing compared to +Him+!!

venus_brown wrote:

You never know, just like Mike suggested, you just might find someone else who fits the bill.

My bill of resume is and was already in her hands. Blank as in empty as I'm sure you already got it in your hands too!, and so you would agree that we should go Out sometime?! Definitely the house would be awesome happy for a visit from time to time of him.

Venus,

thanks for starting where it should have been: great break state suggestion, rather than feeding the reinforcing loop.

Even though in my personal map of the world time heals nothing, break state method does what it says: breaks the bloody state, and the infatuation is (when properly denominalised) just a state, something that would dissappear once the state has been broken. Each state is like a black hole - will feed on your energy till you focus on it, send your attention to it, namely give it its "exsistence."

So the suggestions to drop the old phone, change the context (new people/network) are the best advise to start it with, big guns like dissociation, double VK and all this stuff are OK to deal with the problem once the self-imposed shackles of the state are broken.

Of course the nature of the state is that the one who maintains it is hardly ever able to realize it - because it really "feels like" we are captive to the state. Thus the kick from the outside is so useful... and thanks Vanus for provided one with love and care!!!

That's me, Jurek, loving and caring all over the place. ;-)

Thanks, too, for recognizing my break state suggestion for what it was.

I would like to clear just one thing up, though. I included some suggestions in my short message to draw the writer's attention to different future possibilities -- thus, leading the intent.

My comment that this sort of thing gets easier with time was not to simply say that time heals all wounds, but to suggest that leaving an unfruitful relationship is a skill that can be learned and actually gets easier with time. I decided to deliver that message and link it with the idea that "time heals all wounds" because whenever that cliche would be encountered it would reinforce the actual message that it is a skill that gets easier with practice -- over time.

Anyway, Jurek, thanks for sharing your ideas and explaining some of what I am doing. Most times, folks who are new to this sort of language usage will not grok :-) the subtleties and so will assume that nothing much is going on.

But, then again, that's OK with me.

Venus

Venus,


On your comment on "this sort of language usage..." I loved especially the following pearl offered by you:


"Maybe 60 to 90 days should do the trick."


My NLP language-magnifying glass discovered:

[1] Maybee: a nice presupposition that opens up the frame of possibility

[2] 60 to 90 days: clear double bind with the effect it will happen within this timeframe

[3] should: another possibiity/necessity modality, in this case the deepener and reinforcer of the first one ("maybe")

[4] do the trick: nice embedded command


And of course framing the entire message in a friendly and well-wishing emotional envelope gave you message a real boost... why? because it sounds/looks/feel it was authentic, and this is what leverages the power of any message, NLP packed or not, doesn't it?

Thanks

Jurek,

I always say you have to mean what you say. And I mean it.

If your state is not clean enough to deliver your message the way you intend it, then one shoud just... not go there!

Thanks again for taking the time to notice -- and acknowledge -- what I do.

It feels good to be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Venus

Hello! It's now one month without him.

Life looks good, I'm learning great things. I'm keeping up with PNL and also EFT.

I wish you well.

Hey, what a news!!! Now is the right time to stop counting time...

And now to the point, leaving the other thing which belongs to the past now - you will be interested to know that Gary Craig, the founder of the

EFT Home - World Center for EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques)

is an accomplished NLP practitioner...

I purchased some years ago his EFT training DVD set, and apart from the benefit of teaching me all EFT techniques and approaches, he gave me a nice exposition of practical NLP he applied in a classroom, both operating as a trainer and as a therapist. Excellent stuff.

Could we please hear from you in six months from now to see where you are with NLP and what your realizations are!!

Cheers and regards

venus_brown wrote:

Jurek,

I always say you have to mean what you say. And I mean it.

If your state is not clean enough to deliver your message the way you intend it, then one shoud just... not go there!

Thanks again for taking the time to notice -- and acknowledge -- what I do.

It feels good to be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Venus

Such raw poetic urges conflicting compelling feelings within. It's just 'Your honesty's too much,' to feel to not just to be appreciated or noticed.

HOT! Awesome. Good, feelings.