I am posting this because I need help, and I do not know any better way to go about getting it. I am having an emotional crisis and a crisis of faith. I am twenty six years old and I have never had a truly meaningful relationship with a woman despite the fact that the Bible promises that for every Adam there is an Eve. I have spent the last three years doing everything I can think of to change this pattern with no success. I am tired of feeling unwanted, depressed, sad and angry all the time. I feel as if my life has no future purpose.

Recently I have began to think about the questions below and realized I really do not have answers to most of them, and the ones I do have answers to could be either incomplete or fully incorrect and so I am asking for help. Everyone one of these questions is completely voluntary if you choose to answer any of them in part or in full and I am expecting many varied responses. There is no one set answer to many of them and most likely no two responses will be alike.

My goal is to compare what other people believe about these issues to what I believe in order to expand my point of view and solve my problems.

In one week I will post my own answers to these questions as they stand at the time of the original post and I welcome any discussion or questions volunteered.



What is the difference between being in a dating, sexual relationship, being boyfriend/girlfriend, and being in a long term relationship and is that the order they are supposed to follow?

How are they formed?

How are they maintained?

When should a relationship be started?

When should a relationship be ended?

What is the difference between a good and a bad relationship? Give an example if you can.



Is it bad to be exclusive when you are dating or is it better to date more than one person at a time? Please explain your answer.



What are some of the consequences of dating, both good and bad?



What defines a romantic/sexual relationship?

What is a man’s role in a romantic/sexual relationship?

What is a woman’s role in a romantic/sexual relationship?

What should a man be looking for in a romantic/sexual relationship?

What should a woman be looking for in a romantic/sexual relationship?

Is a romantic/sexual relationship something that should be desired by men and women? Please explain your answer.

Are there any pre-disposed limits in a romantic relationship? What are they?



What does the role of religion/faith play in a persons’ life?



What is sex?

What is a sexual relationship and what kind of value is it to a person?

Is a sexual relationship something that should be desired by men and women? Please explain your answer.

Are there any physical or emotional limits to sex? What are they?

When should a sexual relationship be started?

When should a sexual relationship be ended?

What does the role of religion/faith play in sex?




What is love?

What is its value in a relationship?

What is a loving relationship and what kind of value is it to a person?

What is the difference between having sex and making love?

Are their limits to love? What are they?

What does the role of religion/faith play in love?



What is a marriage?

Is marriage something that should be desired by men and women? Please explain your answer.

Who values marriage more, men or women? Please explain your answer.

Are their limits to marriage? What are they?

What does the role of religion/faith play in marriage?

Are there any questions I should be asking that I have not asked so far?

Hi Mark

Its been a while since you was here, I am going to skip over most of your post, and let others, cover the bits and bobs, Yet I want you to ask your self this.

If (I,you) got all the appropriate answers to all these questions, that (I, you) have vested your time in thinking about, and (I,you) made all the appropriate, personal empowering changes, that (I,you) needed to live life from a place of being calm, confident and in a place of well-being how would (I,you) be living life in a way that works for (I-me-you)?

I want you to have that in you mind, while other help you sort things out.

J

P.s I still have a toaster for sale.

Jay, nice kitty picture. We still friends?

Mark, a lot of your questions, well, only you can answer them. What's right for me may not be right for you. In fact, knowing me, I'm sure of it. That being said, I'm going to answer some of your questions:

What is sex? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex

Is a sexual relationship something that should be desired by men and women? Please explain your answer. Only if they desire to promote the species.

Are there any physical or emotional limits to sex? What are they? One’s imagination.

When should a sexual relationship be started? When both parties agree to it.

When should a sexual relationship be ended? As a very close, personal friend of mine once said, “When it is no longer clear who is fucking whom.” I would say, when continuing the relationship would be exploiting one of the parties.


What is a marriage? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torture

Is marriage something that should be desired by men and women? Please explain your answer. Not if he/she is sane.


Are there any questions I should be asking that I have not asked so far?
Is this real, or is it all just an illusion?

Are there any questions I should be asking that I have not asked so far?

What do you want when it doesn't mater what other people think?

What makes you happy when it doesn't mater what other people think?

What relationship do you want when it doesn't matter what other people think?

Mark, you're unlikey to find too many people on here who will tell you what anything "is". That's because (in my opinion) when you have much knowledge at all about NLP you will begin to understand that the best person to decide what things are to you is you.

How would you know if you already have answers to some of these questions, even if they're a) not the answers you've been supplied by those you hold as authorities or b) not the "right" answers or c) might be subject to change as you change your mind about things even now.

The fact that you have questions means you're human and curious and can learn many things, as you have already learned many, many things. The fact that other people don't have answers that make sense to you means only you can be you, and you do most beautifully at it when you look inside and begin to realize that the resources you need to find those answers are in there, and you can go in there and out there into the world and answer questions for yourself and change your mind as often as you see how to do that, do you not?

How much do you want to make your life truly joyous and wonderful, both for yourself and with others. Now there's a question worth asking again and again. Make finding out fun.

Mark,

You ask:

Are there any questions I should be asking that I have not asked so far?

How about asking yourself why you are asking all these questions?

What is the one point, the source point, from which all these questions arise?

In an intro to philosophy class I once took I was taught that first you have to ask the right question. And I see, very clearly, that you are trying to do that. So, now...

Why not ask yourself what is the "source" of this particular group of questions. Or, put another way, what is the one thing -- the "common denominator" if you will, that they each have in common?

I'll be curious to hear your answer.

Venus

Jay Budzynski wrote:

Hi Mark

Its been a while since you was here, I am going to skip over most of your post, and let others, cover the bits and bobs, Yet I want you to ask your self this.

If (I,you) got all the appropriate answers to all these questions, that (I, you) have vested your time in thinking about, and (I,you) made all the appropriate, personal empowering changes, that (I,you) needed to live life from a place of being calm, confident and in a place of well-being how would (I,you) be living life in a way that works for (I-me-you)?

I want you to have that in you mind, while other help you sort things out.

J

P.s I still have a toaster for sale.

To be honest I do not know Jay, I am in so deep I cannot really envision this calm confident lifestyle you are talking about. I can see parts of it, but only glimmers of light behind a thick fog. God knows I have been trying.

These questions were actually just the start of an attempt to try to get myself out of the theological loop that I find myself stuck in, one you are familiar with. To be honest I never really expected concrete answers to any of them, at best just other people’s opinions that might help to lead me in a different direction than the dead-end one I keep arriving at. Really this is an act of desperation and it may have paid off already with just these responses I received here and the other few places I posted this.

I greatly appreciate everyone’s responses and will respond to them when I am better capable. Right now it is 10:30 PM here and I have had eight hours of hell at work yesterday, then six hours of heavy thought last night just prior to four hours of sleep ( I just could not rest) only to get up and spend the rest of the day today (all day) in heavy thought and trying to work out the answers to these questions further on my own. I am tired and the only reason I no longer have a headache is because the wine finally chased it away after drinking twice what I normally do (which is very little so do not worry ;P). That bottle of merlot has been in the fridge since... well lets just say roughly third quarter last year.

Though I will add this little bit though, Tony, your post made me laugh which is what I needed. Shortly after posting this I stumbled across my horoscope for the second time today doing sometihng completely unrelated (discovering this My Yahoo page thing I never heard about before). I cannot remember the last time I looked at one, I know enough about NPL, Hypnosis, and cold reading to know crap when I see it. One of the two was completely wrong, but that did not surprise me. The other one did however. This is what it said.

•Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Everyone must once in a while analyze their lives. But when you ponder over your life, you tend to be too pessimistic. You get carried away easily and often exaggerate. Today, as you think about your life, try not listening to that little voice in your head. Your life is far from being the way you think it is.

I try not to put too much faith in astrology but I have found I do exhibit many of the traits they attribute to my sign, not something I even like to admit but you have to give the Devil his due. Here is a good example.



Negative Traits of Cancers

The Cancerian can be sulky, devious, moody, and inclined to self-pity. They respond foremost to the urges and dictates of their feelings. One of the interesting contradictions in their nature is that they are prone to a sense of personal inferiority on one hand, and on the other they believe their views, opinions and behavior to be impeccable, and beyond question or criticism. By nature, very giving and selfless, they need to be aware of falling into the role of martyr in certain situations.

Cancer Zodiac Sign, Cancerian Personality, Cancer Traits, Cancer The Crab, Cancer Characteristics, Cancerian Profile

Grrr. I hate it when they are right.

I need sleep. I will get to the rest at the earliest possible time. Thank you all and I wish you all the best.

Hi,
I don't think this is the appropriate forum to write this on but I'll help you using NLP. Try using the mirroring technique on the person you want. If you don't know it copy the person and she will gain rapport with you. You should try to match your breathing rate with her when your talking to. If all fails try to be confident.

To be honest I do not know Jay, I am in so deep I cannot really envision this calm confident lifestyle you are talking about. I can see parts of it, but only glimmers of light behind a thick fog. God knows I have been trying.

Well Mark as that is all a function of your imagination, you might consider having a fan in there with you to blow the fog away, it's clear to me, that you are attaining to much focus on the future, and worrying about it, well that's a stupid thing to be doing!, you can only function in the moment.

(Consider doing this for real,or in a very deep way in your imagination doing for real, will be best.)

So how about just for a the next 1 hour or so, you pay extra special attention to whats going on around you, and in the right now! and this is how you do it, you start by saying to yourself, I can feel myself sitting in this chair, and I can feel my feet, on the floor, I can see, the screen of the computer/laptop, I can see the keyboard, and my hands when I type, and right now in this moment I am feeling(???) and keep on looking around you, and making a conscious effort to name what you are seeing, hearing and feeling.

Then go for a walk, and do the same out in the world, don't make any judgments, if things are good or bad, just allow them to be, what they are, in the moment, and just be with the sights, sounds, and sensations both emotional and tactile, and just take responsibility, for what you are paying attention to, in this next hour or so, and just know, that is all you have to be dealing with in this time, and all the times beyond, this hour of focused attention, then at some point with in this hour, pick a location in the town your in, to walk to, first thing, plan it out in your mind, then go there, yet when your half way there, imagine a tree falls in front of you, and now you have to go a different way to get to the same location, and change direction, and reroute your focus, and attention, and make a new plan, to get to the location, think it through, and then carry on only now in your new direction, and still paying attention, to everything you can see, hear, and feel, only this time have a third route to get to your location, just in case you have set backs, and once you get to the location, just stand still in the moment, and review your journey, with as many sights and sounds and feeling as you can recall.

Now turn your self and life around just in this moment the right now, and make a plan to come home, knowing that sometimes set backs can happen, to you plan for the any potential set backs, now on your way of home, allow these learnings, to allow you to tap, into your resources, and you only need to live in the moment and to choose, what you focus on, and you might be surprised, that when you get home you will be.

ReptilesBlade wrote:

Negative Traits of Cancers

The Cancerian can be sulky, devious, moody, and inclined to self-pity. They respond foremost to the urges and dictates of their feelings. One of the interesting contradictions in their nature is that they are prone to a sense of personal inferiority on one hand, and on the other they believe their views, opinions and behavior to be impeccable, and beyond question or criticism. By nature, very giving and selfless, they need to be aware of falling into the role of martyr in certain situations.

Negative? Are you joking?

They are all my best attributes.

If you want my advice go on a nice long holiday and leave your brain at home.

I would certainly recommend skiing. Have you ever learned to sail? How about rock climbing?

I think you questions are great and deserve far more than just being answered.

John

Last night I dreamed of a thousand new paths then I awoke and walked down my old one

ReptilesBlade wrote:

I have spent the last three years doing everything I can think of to change this pattern with no success. I am tired of feeling unwanted, depressed, sad and angry all the time. I feel as if my life has no future purpose.

Are there any questions I should be asking that I have not asked so far?

I suggest you find something other than a relationship that brings you fulfillment and lots of ways to have fun and, ideally, joy, and get on with all that (possibly using the energy of the anger). That will give you a future purpose and a more enjoyable present and will make you a great deal more attractive as a man to potential partners. It will also make it a lot more likely that you will find fulfillment in a relationship.

Don't wait until you have the perfect 'purpose' - you will probably need to update it from time to time anyway.

Mark,

I would prescribe a good dose of lessons in becoming a PUA.... You are only 26 for christ sake! Get out there and enjoy it while you can....

Buy, Read, Digest and put into practice all the lessons in the following books:

[ame="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Game-Neil-Strauss/dp/184767237X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1234440080&sr=8-1"]The Game[/ame]

[ame="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Rules-Game-Stylelife-Challenge-Diaries/dp/1847672507/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b"]The Rules of the Game[/ame]

[ame="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mystery-Method-Erik-von-Markovik/dp/0312360118/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c"]The Mystery Method[/ame]


This will be the best £20.27p you will ever spend and will build your inner game back again.

Also I would sign up at this Forum: www.puaforum.co.uk and ask questions on how to pick up women. Then get over the bad case of Oneitus you are suffering from and go and sample some of the multitude of delights that are out there.

Jason

aikijason wrote:

Mark,

I would prescribe a good dose of lessons in becoming a PUA.... You are only 26 for christ sake! Get out there and enjoy it while you can....

Buy, Read, Digest and put into practice all the lessons in the following books:

The Game

The Rules of the Game

The Mystery Method


This will be the best £20.27p you will ever spend and will build your inner game back again.

Also I would sign up at this Forum: www.puaforum.co.uk and ask questions on how to pick up women. Then get over the bad case of Oneitus you are suffering from and go and sample some of the multitude of delights that are out there.

Jason

What's PUA? Is it a gang one can join? Are there any cool Americans on that site?

russianbear wrote:

What's PUA? Is it a gang one can join? Are there any cool Americans on that site?

A PUA is a Pick Up Artist and let me tell you pick up for men and women it is an art and a science.

Actually there is one american on the site that I know of on the site but he is a bit of a cheeky b*****d

Yeah, well at least he answers the phone when his best mate across the pond calls. I mean, all he wants to do is thank him for the DVDs.

russianbear wrote:

Yeah, well at least he answers the phone when his best mate across the pond calls. I mean, all he wants to do is thank him for the DVDs.

YOU GOT THEM!! Fantastic

I will be in tonight around 10.00PM GMT I think that is around 4.00PM Your time?

Mark,

You're posts are killing me. Let's make this plain, simple and somewhat crude but effective.

As Captain Jack said "You need a girl mate."

1) Forget the PUA stuff unless you can get a mentor who will hold you by the hand. Its' really not for you otherwise.

2) Look in the mirror and slap yourself. Then do it again.

3) Now, look in the mirror and take a good look at your physical attributes. Also notice how you carry yourself and that you're beliefs are driving that. Don't focus on changing anything, just acknowledge what it is.

4) Go out and look for someone that LOOKS just like you. The same style glasses, skin complexion, posture, voice tonality, etc. This shouldn't be hard to do.

5) Walk up to her say , "I just had to come over say Hi. I don't know why...but.. I get the feeling...that we're very similar. I hope that doesn't sound too strange but I'd really like to get to know you better."

Don't worry about the rest. You guys will hit it off. Trust me. And don't worry about her looks or hobbies or anything else. Just think about all the possibilities of what it will be like to be with this person. To have someone to watch movies in bed togeter with to have lots of sex with and to be there when you come home. And to realize that these few minutes of GUTS will allow you to not be alone anymore.

At least perform the exercise above or quit whining. You DO have a choice.

This is obviously something that weighs heavy on the OP's mind. I would like to know, sir, what is it that you want? Do you just want to get laid, bust that first nut, take the pressure off yourself? It's cool if you do. And, we can advise you on how exactly to do that. Do you want to meet someone that completes you, someone that stimulates you both emotionally and physically? Someone that you can see yourself spending your life with? If so, great, we can advise you on that. But, first things first, what is the outcome you'd like to have?

venus_brown wrote:

Mark,

You ask:

Are there any questions I should be asking that I have not asked so far?

How about asking yourself why you are asking all these questions?

What is the one point, the source point, from which all these questions arise?

In an intro to philosophy class I once took I was taught that first you have to ask the right question. And I see, very clearly, that you are trying to do that. So, now...

Why not ask yourself what is the "source" of this particular group of questions. Or, put another way, what is the one thing -- the "common denominator" if you will, that they each have in common?

I'll be curious to hear your answer.

Venus

The source is this.

My path in life has always been to follow the teachings of the Bible and find a young woman to love, protect, and care for and settle down with her. I take the words "to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until death do you part" very seriously and unlike the PUAs "The Game" is not a game to me at all but a very real contest to achieve that goal for the long term happiness and wellbeing of at least two people and their children and the consequences of failure are worse than death. If I have my way my wife and children will not have to ever experience the violence, broken dreams and promises, and heartache I grew up with because of my manic depressive and abusive father.

I want to provide her a decent home, a warm and comfortable haven from the dangers of the outside world. A place where she can live and rest knowing she will always belong there and will never have to fear violence or go hungry. I would build this with the earnings of a decent job and ensure this havens perpetual existence by investing every available dollar in my own corporation that would invest it in other businesses and securities against the likely event that I am rendered incapable of working due to the health condition I was born with or due to some other unforeseen accident or malady. The more people’s lives I improve in the process the better.

Whether she works or not is irrelevant to me, indeed I will probably encourage her to at least pursue a part time job doing something she enjoys to alleviate the boredom and drudgery of being a full time homemaker and any earnings she makes would most likely be used to accelerate building the family fortune that will safeguard the lifestyle I wish her to have. I will not back down until we have a positive net worth at minimum in the $500,000 - $1,000,000 range.

The problem is I am now twenty six, nearing twenty seven in June and I am not even remotely close to this goal. Worse still is something I had never foreseen, the fact that due to my pre-existing health condition women seem to find the idea of a relationship with me distasteful to say the least. The book "The Red Queen" teaches that the primary biological directive of women is acquiring good genes to pass on to their children and help ensure their own genes survival as well. My pre-existing health condition automatically disqualifies me and time is running out.

And thus that discovery has robbed me of my life’s purpose and is the source of my current angst and depression. I am asking all of these questions to find a way around this situation at both the micro and macro levels. My motto is adapt and overcome. If the answers to these questions can reveal something that I might have overlooked or missed about women and relationships due to simple ignorance of the subject and even remotely lead to an alternate direction around this significant problem then this topic has accomplished its goal.

I hope that answered your question.

Mark, no time for a longer post now, but I wanted to give you my opinion on one thing:

"The book "The Red Queen" teaches that the primary biological directive of women is acquiring good genes to pass on to their children and help ensure their own genes survival as well. My pre-existing health condition automatically disqualifies me."

Sometimes when we're used to letting outside sources tell us what's "true" or "right", we have a tendency to believe everything we read and apply it to our situation broadly. After all, an authority said it was true. I haven't read the book, but I think the author may have failed to point out something very simple: We are more than our biology. Yes, females of many species decide who they'll mate with, and at a biological level they want characteristics that will make their children better able to survive. Now welcome to the 21st century, where having big muscles is not the most important thing about being a man, a lover, a husband, a father. And where women - smart women, anyhow - know how to look for inner qualities - qualities a neanderthal female might have overlooked, but which modern women do not. I'm guessing you have these qualities in abundance.

If you're meeting women who count you out because you have a "health condition", go somewhere else and meet someone else. Keep doing that until you find out where the women who'll like you for what you are and who you are. I promise you they exist, and you'll like them, too.