| The Casual Cruelty of Positive Intentions audio versionFor every time we raise our voices, Insisting that you have no choices; For every unkind thought or word When you’re just asking to be heard; For every unheard, silent scream That underpins low self-esteem; Each time we call you dumb or slow, We think that that will help you grow. The snide remarks that just slip out, To fuel and reinforce your doubt; Our puerile jokes at your expense Suggesting lack of common sense, Each time we mock your futile struggle As others join us in a chuckle, And say, "How thick, and oh, so slow!” It’s ‘cause we want to help you grow. And every well-aimed poisoned arrow Should keep you on the straight and narrow; Each barbed and bitchy, witty dart To pierce and break your yearning heart; Each look of meanness, every frown, To close you off and put you down; Each looming shadow that we throw, We really think will help you grow. And if you hear our callous laugh As you stumble on your path, Whatever pain it stirs in you, We hope that something will get through. We’ll call you weird and make you yelp, And we hope that you will know We’re doing all we can to help, We cut you down to help you grow. If we should nag or curse and cuss, So you’ll play less and do your chores, Reduce the noise and stop the fuss, Stay on track, complete the course. Look and listen, let us show How hard we try to help you grow. We’ll leave you frightened and entombed In your cold and lonely cell-like room, And when your beating heart is calm, You’ll realise we mean no harm. You see, we have a master plan, Although you may not understand. And, yes, the hours drag too slow, But...time will pass, and you will grow For every dusty dream that shatters Because we aren't convinced it matters, When all your hopes and aspirations, Have been dismissed with irritation, We think it kind; you think us foe! We must insist we did not know! We can’t stoop down to say we’re sorry, Admitting doubt, concern or worry. Or allow these things we mention to over shadow good intentions. You ask for ‘Yes’, we’ll answer ‘No!’ In our attempt to help you grow! And if you feel hemmed in or trapped, Sit down, fit in and shut your trap. If, time to time, you can’t get through, Think, feel and function like we do! Don’t make waves or cause commotion, Or ever show the deep emotion, Why?Just because we told you so, That’s all you need to help you grow! You see, our parents loved us too, Did all they could to help us through, Now, it’s our duty; it’s our turn, We learnt that hurting helps you learn! And, because we’re older, and we’re wise, We’re going to cut you down to size. We were treated in this way, Which makes us glad (or so we say!) It didn’t hurt us, not one bit, Although, at times, we feel like shit, And if we’ve little self-esteem, Still, we can blame you when we scream. And, later, you’ll be glad we did. When you find you treat your kids In just the way we treated you, You’ll know our words and deeds were true. And you will thank us, looking back, When you, in turn, snip, snipe and smack And you will know the way to go, To help your little monsters grow! To never ask and never say, Nor argue back but just obey. They’ll learn to play these painful Games To feel ashamed of all their pain. Then weep in shadows, hide their light And then we’ll know we got it right! MM This poem was finished on the day the House of Lords voted that parents could continue to smack their children but must not leave marks! I'd been working on it for a while, and that decision spurred me on. The poem has been published in a number of places, now; I get requests from parenting sites, educational publications, adoption forums, social workers and other people who ask if I will permit them to publish it. I am delighted and honoured that they wish to do so, because I care deeply that many children, certainly in the UK, are lucky if they are treated as second rate citizens. A couple of years ago, government statistics showed that the number of children in poverty has increased threefold over 25 years, roughly 3.6 million children (or 28% of children) were living in income poverty when measured after housing costs (AHC) and 2.6 million when measured before housing costs! When I work with parents, carers, teachers, youth workers, etc., This continues under the poem on my website I talk of acts of violence against children 'in the name of love'. Parents in particular are incensed, deeply offended and instantly emotionally charged. I make the point that, all I have done is expressed a point of view in strong terms, and yet, how quickly they have become aggressively reactive. I ask them to contemplate how much worse might it be for a child, or teenager, who needs to be cherished and nourished, but gets slaps, smacks, let alone extremes of physical chastisement (under which I would include being sent to bed without food!). A key point about my poem, as you will probably have noticed, is that there is only one reference to direct physical punishment. Otherwise, it is all the unkind verbal slings and arrows, the venomous look, the notes of disdain, the heavy sighs that go straight to the child's heart and leave a hole through which love might forever seep out, so s/he may never be loved enough to heal the wound! Is that work, I endeavour to help the adults realise their the 'casual cruelty' stems from the unresolved pain of their childhood, the humiliation and hurt, the denigration and desperation that any one might experience in the face of, usually unwitting, unkindness. If I am successful in that endeavour, the adults are better able to have empathy, to respond with compassion coupled with wisdom, to act less like vengeful, spiteful spitballs, and more like adults who have achieved a degree of emotional freedom. NLP, EFT, Crafty Listening, along with principles and techniques from various other models, can liberate the adults and increase their emotional intelligence. One indication that a significant shift has occurred is the way participants respond differently to the poem at the end of the session compared to the beginning. go well MM
3 members have given this post a 'thumbs up'.
|