Ok, so its not as bad as the title may seem, I am a man and there is no physical abuse but all the same, please help I am obsessed with someone who keeps hurting me emotionally and its all I think about and its starting to scare me a bit!
I got with a girl while she was in a relationship with someone else, she finished with him then we were seeing each other. It was very passionate and we told each other we loved each other after about a month. Through the past few months see has been lying to me (admitting so), and being rude, standing me up and now ignores me a lot of the time…

The thing is I don’t really like her – it’s like my mind is saying one thing and my feelings another . I do not like being lied to and treated dis-respectively, I want to say bye in a nice way. I even told her I didn’t want to see her again and for her to leave me alone but she wouldn’t, so, then we were back talking etc. But the thing is……. I’m addicted to her and I do not want to be…
I spend hours staring at her facebook pic, thinking about her, googling her x boyfriend, today I even walked round the area she lives so I could spy on her if I saw her. I want to hack into her facebook and email, I want to know what she is doing at every moment, all I think about is her and I really do not want to!!!! I don’t even like her, this has never happened before and its really weird.

What makes this even more embarrassing is that I have done an NLP Prac a few years ago with Bandler and read loads of NLP books. I know what your thinking, ‘man up, sort it out’ and I’ve tried, I wake up at night thinking bout her, cant concentrate at work, I think about her sleeping with other people, I just want her to be with me now, I wan to sleep with her again and make her pregnant this time! But I know it’s not good as she is no good and since I met her she has made me feel real bad.

How do I stop these obsessive thoughts, which are in turn effecting my behaviour….

Please help and sorry for the long message!!!!!! x

Find someone else to have sex with. Make it clear to that person that's your intent, so they don't have any expectations of a relationship -- unless it's a pattern of yours that you always want a relationship with people you sleep with, however bad they are for you, in which case 1) ignore this suggestion and 2) find a better strategy for selecting sexual partners. Doing that will help you see this person who you say is bad for you more objectively. If you continue to be fixated on her, then another strategy may be useful. But seriously, try this one first.

Also, do some goal setting. Imagine a future in which, blah blah blah... And reverse engineer to find the practical steps you can start to take now which will orient you towards that future. I'm assuming here that thinking ahead to the consequences of partnering with someone who you see as bad for you will make you realise you need to be acting differently.

Thanks. Since I have been seeing her I have been sleeping with 3 other girls, I do not feel anything for them, its just sex. Same as all the others I have slept with his past year. I do not know why its different with her even though in my mind I know its not good...

Hmm. Let's try another tack: do you have any positive experiences of relationships with partners, or are they all either sex where there is no feeling (at least for you) or characterised by obsessiveness?

Already you are taking action to stop it by posting here and that is a good start, isn't it.

Have you seen this?



31:44

adrian r wrote:

Hmm... they all either sex where there is no feeling (at least for you) or characterised by obsessiveness?

Adrian... yes that's what it seems and I have never looked at it like that before.....

Carol - thanks!

Thanks for your honesty. So...do you want your relationships to continue in the current vein, or is there some other course to steer that might be better for you, and maybe your partners too?

Yes I do want my relationships to take another course that would be better for me. But to be honest right now, I really want to stop thinking about her - I feel to phone her and txt her all the time. I'm thinking about going to her work - not to say hello - but just so I see her......

GOT IT!

I think obsession works because the object becomes a blank canvas that you can paint
your desires on. You don't know much about the person so you make up all the rest, and
the stuff you make up is your idea of perfection. Of course you become obsessed, you
obsessed by your own idea of perfection. And the pictures, sounds and feelings that you
make in your head will be exactly the ones that appeal to you most.

So take the story that you have for this person and remove all the bits that you made
up. Remove all mind reading and other assumptions. The meta model can direct you here.
As you remove each piece, replace it in your mind with something else that could equally
be true. Something less appealing

- Nick Haynes

I made up stuff about her in my own head, lol! Feel like a weight has been lifted!

regreg45 wrote:

The thing is I don’t really like her – it’s like my mind is saying one thing and my feelings another . x

OK let me help out a bit here by explaining what is happening to you. The biology of the brain is simple what it comes to this. Emotions take a lot of energy and the over ride rational thoughts. You are operating out of intense emotions that keep you from thinking clearly.

Because of this you are operating out of the reactive area of your brain. You are not thinking out your actions and you are doing some real stupid stuff.

Because of this you have very little access to the creative part of you brain that would help you actually solve this problem or make another choice.

I want you to take some time and watch this video

3D 3.0 intro replay- Biology vs Mythology |

It is about 2 hours long. The goal is to explain how you brain works and what is happening to you. After you look at that you can then decide what tool to use to help fix the problem.

When you understand what is happening you can then take appropriate action.

Tom