Hello.
I have been thinking about my family situation for some time, but not really acted upon it. I'm very uncertain of how to behave when I'm with my parents, I do appreciate everything they do and have done, but now that Im grown up I have problems talking to them the way I want to.

It seems that everytime I say something positive, or whenever I'm in a happy mood and talk to my parents I usually get a negative reply back. And that of course results in a bad mood afterwards.
On the other hand, If I say something in a stubborn, angry voice and expression I seem to get more positive/innocent replies from my parents.
Why is that?
And its also the same for me if They talk to me.

I can remember a time when I could talk to my parents without any problems, the way I wanted. But that had to do with a surgery I just had, perhaps they didnt find yelling appropriate after I had a surgery.

Anyway, this yin-yang thing is now spreading into my love life as well.
If I ever get my girlfriend angry or similar, she wouldnt say "I like you", typical. But its worse than that, if I keep a good/happy mood throughout the day she will just continue being angry with me, or just overconfident in that i like her.
If I somehow change that around, and this time I get angry,
then she will become me (in love) and I will become her (overconfident). Kind of.

I was wondering if there is a way to change that?
Like I said, I already tried to be in a happy-mood and happy with my self for a whole day, but it just rendered her more confident and arrogant.

Where do I look into my self? and please give me some self-nlp excercise examples to change it.

Thank you.

Chris,

If you are getting the same types of responses from your girlfriend as your parents, that makes me wonder what you are actually saying and doing. You may experience what you say or do as positive, but it may come across as something else. Take a closer look at how you are presenting yourself. For instance, overconfidence might be a postive experience for you, but it could come off negative to others. One of the precepts of NLP is that communication is the outcome you are getting from it - not what you are necessarily intending to convey. You can try taping (audio and/or video) yourself when you are in one of those positive moods and then figure out what it is you are actually doing and saying.

There is also the issue of rapport. If you don't have good rapport with your parents and girlfriend, they may treat your positive gestures with suspicion.

In addition, we tend to recreate our relationship with our parents in our relationship with women. For instance, you may have unconciously sought out the same type of relationship with your girlfriend as you have with your parents.

Dasein

Thank you for the reply recording my conversations sounds like a good idea.

Could you also suggest a book perhaps? on NLP and self improvement?
I find it easier to work on my self when doing something practical,
like meditation and hopefully NLP.
Just thinking and understanding the situations hasn't really helped
me in the past.
I believe I was 16 the last time I read about NLP, and from what I
remember it was something practical, more than just bare theory.

.

Chris, there are a lot of good basic primers for NLP. You can try Introducing NLP by Joseph O'Connor. It will provide you with some basic techniques to help you deal with your fears, motivate yourself better, understand rapport, etc.

Dasein

chris p wrote:

Thank you for the reply recording my conversations sounds like a good idea.

Could you also suggest a book perhaps? on NLP and self improvement?
I find it easier to work on my self when doing something practical,
like meditation and hopefully NLP.
Just thinking and understanding the situations hasn't really helped
me in the past.
I believe I was 16 the last time I read about NLP, and from what I
remember it was something practical, more than just bare theory.

Richard Bandler's Guide to Trance-Formations is one place to start.

I've also found NLP: the New Technology of Achievement, by Charles Faulkner, et al, to be a pretty good intro to the subject that combines information with useful applications.

Or if you don't care whether someone's calling it NLP, but just want a jump-start with stuff that works, try Change Your Life in 7 Days, by Paul McKenna.

And of course there are about a zillion posts on the forum about book recommendations.

Trance-Formations is an excellent book... Full of gold...

MrDigital wrote:

Trance-Formations is an excellent book... Full of gold...

Trance-Formations has popped up on NUMEROUS different nlp-related sources. be it the master practitioner course, an article I read on NLP, or mentalist-showmanship NLP. Trance-formations is definitely on my to-read list!

chris p wrote:

Hello.
I have been thinking about my family situation for some time, but not really acted upon it. I'm very uncertain of how to behave when I'm with my parents, I do appreciate everything they do and have done, but now that Im grown up I have problems talking to them the way I want to.

It seems that everytime I say something positive, or whenever I'm in a happy mood and talk to my parents I usually get a negative reply back. And that of course results in a bad mood afterwards.
On the other hand, If I say something in a stubborn, angry voice and expression I seem to get more positive/innocent replies from my parents.
Why is that?
And its also the same for me if They talk to me.

I can remember a time when I could talk to my parents without any problems, the way I wanted. But that had to do with a surgery I just had, perhaps they didnt find yelling appropriate after I had a surgery.

Anyway, this yin-yang thing is now spreading into my love life as well.
If I ever get my girlfriend angry or similar, she wouldnt say "I like you", typical. But its worse than that, if I keep a good/happy mood throughout the day she will just continue being angry with me, or just overconfident in that i like her.
If I somehow change that around, and this time I get angry,
then she will become me (in love) and I will become her (overconfident). Kind of.

I was wondering if there is a way to change that?
Like I said, I already tried to be in a happy-mood and happy with my self for a whole day, but it just rendered her more confident and arrogant.

Where do I look into my self? and please give me some self-nlp excercise examples to change it.

Thank you.

Chris, I'm in the process of getting my coaching certification. For part of this certification I am required to do work with 3 external clients. I have two already, and if you'd be interested, would love to work to achieve clarity on your family situations. I am an NLP trained master practitioner, have Satir family training, and am getting my coaching certification!

I honor how invested you're achieving clarity already!!

Cheers, mate.

--John

validateyourlife@gmail.com (contact and can setup a trial coaching session and then followup sessions to perpetuate your success)

There are two books with similar titles: Bandler and Grinder's Trance-Formations (Real People Press, 1981), and Richard Bandler's Guide to Trance-Formations (Health Communications, 2008), which stands alone. Both are essential parts of an NLP library, IM(H)O.

chris p wrote:

Hello.

On the other hand, If I say something in a stubborn, angry voice and expression I seem to get more positive/innocent replies from my parents.
Why is that?

Thank you.

This could be many things:
1. A distortion. You merely hallucinate that your parents respond positively/innocently to your angry voice.
2. A projection. You for some reason want your parents to receive any types of anger with positivity.
3. Some odd peculiarity of your parents.
4. Something more complex.

Which of those is most empowering to you, mate?!
I have TONS of experience with "complicated family dynamics". From personal experience and from educational psychological study!!

I have a tremendous amount of empathy for your situation!

Would love to help you sort this out man. I remember going through tough times wiht family myself and witnessing seeing other people going evolving through challenging experiences and looking back on that time I realized it would've been a MASSIVE breath of fresh air and an enormous relief if a life-coach had contacted me. I recognize you in a similar situation, so offer you that opportunity! I am a life-coach!

I urge you to contact me, man. validateyourlife@gmail.com. Would love to have you achieve your goals or individuality and perpetuate your success! I've only got room for one more (free) external client!