Hi i have a 12 year old nephew and over the last few years
he's grown more and more bossy. He basically blackmails or
uses force to annoy you till he gets his way. Some examples
are when he wants people to not talk, he says you need to
shutup. And he keeps yelling that until they do. Also he's
picky about the way people eat, and also just acts bossy
about doing misc things like put this away or get me this,
or come here. But he is most bossy about wanting people to
shutup, i guess since that's the hardest order to give.

Main problem is he thinks he HAS to get his way and also he gets really angry if that doesn't happen. He can really get on everyones nerves after a while, and his parent hasn't shown any effort to get him any help. Now I can't do much as far as NLP goes because he doesn't cooperate. He has ADHD so it's hard for him to relax into a trance state, and also i think his mind has some built in defense mechanism to not change and keep his anger going. I'm thinking there were times he got really angry in the past and the same ppl who got him angry probably told him to not get angry and I think he decided to stay angry to go against them. So might be one reason why he has a more serious anger problem. Or he's just comfortable being angry.

Anyways the anger is a problem too but I'd like to try to solve his other problem of giving orders and being bold about it. Because that triggers a lot of his anger usually. Now since he doesn't cooperate, the only idea I can think of is when he's sleeping, I can do some kind of affirmation or something. Have it play over a device, and fade in over a long time and repeat a simple message. Like "the world does not revolve around me". Or something, only problem is I don't think I can use the word not in there because of how the subconscious works;\.

Going to think of some more possible affirmations. But do you think that could work? And please give me some affirmations you think might be helpful. Need just the right wording to counter his thinking or belief. I can't just say "You respect people's ability to make their own choices", because his belief might be that his needs are more important than yours and it's not about disrespect, more about seflishness or a sense of entitlement. I think it's the latter, right now I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and trying to think what I might respond to.. maybe like "caring about others makes you feel good" or "sometimes it's important for other people to get their way instead of me"

Ted,

For most 12 year olds the world does evolve around them, I dont see that as being paramount to his problem. If you want to tackle this from that angle then maybe emphasis all the things he is missing out on by acting the way he does. What is important to him? I wonder how many times he has failed to complete a level on his Wii becasue he was to cross and not focussed? I wonder how many times he has asked for icecream and not got it because while there is icecream in the fridge his mum says "no" becasue he is being rude.

Which brings me nicely on to where I think your answer may lie. I am a teacher and Foster parent and see hundreds of kids a week and with very few exceptions most kids can pull the 'bossy little brat' act out when it is needed. Kids learn quickly and this kids has learnt that shouting and bossing people about gets him what he wants. Walk him into an unfamiliar environment, give him some money and ask him to go and buy a toy. The so called 'uncontrollable behaviour' will be controlled, I bet he will be polite, courteous and angelic. You could even prep the sales man to mess the kid about a bit, make fun of him and push all his buttons, the kid will roll with it.

Kids are chameleons and can adapt quickly and with more mental flexibility that most adults who have had more time to get set in their ways.

There is a TV show called Supernanny, while I could try and explain routines of how I would address an 12 year old brat, I think watching a bit of this show would provide you with a much better explanation.

As a teacher I can make very bad children sit still, listen, work and be well mannered. Then they go home and back in to the environment that reinforces all the shit I work to undo. Kids are products of their environment, the environment needs to change to one which does not reward the tantrums (again see Supernanny or even The Dog Whisperer! (I love that show too!)). When the chap works to fix aggressive dogs, the most work is done with the owners, the dog is just a recipient of the environmental pressures.

Your approach with 'affirmations' may go straight over his head. An 12 year old may not have the linguistic understanding to grasp the complex language you are putting to him. Listen to two 12 year olds have a conversation or spend 10 mins watching a TV show aimed at 12 year olds, the people writing that show will know how to communicate with 12 year olds.

One thing with I think is so underused when dealing with aggressive children is to get them to work with animals. Take them to a puppy training class and let them get involved, take them to a petting zoo or anywhere which is hands on (HANDS ON IS A MUST! NOT SAT DOWN BEING TALKED AT!!). The kids will soon learn that his aggression will make the animals walk away from him, the more he screams and shouts the quicker they will walk (a real contrast to what most kids are used to). If an interaction with an animal went well, ask him what he did to make it go well? What was his tone of voice like? What was his manners like? If the interaction goes badly, ask the same questions. Maybe get him to make a poster to advise other kids on how to handle animals and before you know it he is telling you how important it is to control your anger, state of mind and reap the benefits.

Organise a party with him, get him to ring his friends up but before he does make him write a script outlining what he will say. Ask him why did his write down to say "thank you" in his script, why is that important? What kinds of voice does he know? Can he do a scary voice? Can he do an angry voice? Can he do a soft voice? Which voice would it be best to use when ringing people up and asking them to a party? Why is that voice the best one to use? Have a joke with him, use a dictaphone to let him practice and experience what it is like to hear his angry voice. Say "yikes, if that person rang me up there is no way I would be his friend". When he used his nice voice say "wow, I bet even Cheryl Cole would come to your party if you asked her like that, what a great way to talk to people".

Good luck, most kids will be defiant to everything you say until you are accepted by them, so be smart and let them lead the sessions. Let your sessions be fun and not your kind of fun but a kids version of fun even if it does not make sense to you. So many times I get kids talking to me and I have not got a clue what they are talking about so I just say "wow, you are quite funny for a short person, what happened next"?

Good luck, when are you seeing him next?

I'd love to stay and chat but tomorrow morning at 8.45 I have a new batch of 12 year olds to deal with myself (can you imagine having 35 of them to deal with at once?!)

Thanks,

Matt

Supernanny link

Video clips, Techniques and Advice from the Supernanny Television (TV) ShowTV Clips

Hmmm, thanks for the advice. Just want to mention here briefly what is most helpful and what isn't quite as helpful. The supernanny idea was really great, that's something I've thought of before, but never followed up with it after thinking about it. Also the unfamiliar environment idea is good. The rest of them either have no effect on him really, or are not as practical or possible to do. I'll go into a bit more detail below.


1. (things he's missing out on) - ya, well talking about his anger, he does end up breaking things through blackmail, that he is missing out on. Like he'll tell me not to look at him or not to talk and if i say something, he might break one of his toys or throw food on the floor. He's worst than he used to be in this regard, as he goes straight to the blackmail, whereas before he used to argue a bit first, or repeat his demands with a increasingly serious/angry voice.
2. (unfamiliar environment) - now this is the one thing that might work but is harder to pull off. Instead of taking him into a different environment, what works is when he's around friends of the family. Like we have a neighbor who when we threaten to call him to come here to have a talk with him about how he's behaving, he always gets scared of. Of course though he still has a defense mechanism protecting his bad behavior. Because at one point he was like who cares if so and so come over, he's not a doctor or counselor.
3. (supernanny) - awesome idea. I gotta look into it more although I think they might deal more with younger kids.
4. (kids products of their environment) - now this is like impossible to change. Cause just about everybody in family are set in their ways. I try to be more sensitive but it's so much harder nowadays when if you say one thing, he goes straight to "shutup or i'll break this". Although a lot of times I can be quiet. But sometimes I get fed up of the routine and say one more thing, and than have to do some cleaning up of what he broke or threw on the floor.
5. (tv shows with 12 year olds) hmm not sure if that would really help. He uses a lot of similar words/phrases people in the family use though. Guess that relates back to the product of environment theory. Because that's where he also got a lot of cuss words too. Btw didn't mention this before, but someone in the family teases him, so now he sort of does that behavior sometimes. He's like a "monkey see monkey do" kind of kid I suppose, imo, more than most kids probably.
6. (working with animals) We had a dog before, and now have 2 cats and 5 kittens so he's been around animals before. But the whole thing about being angry and animal acting scared doesn't bother him cause he gots the whole teasing thing down comfortably, which is fun to him sometimes.
7. (different voices) Well he does talk in a more friendly voice and way, to friends at school. But I don't think pointing that out to him will make much of a difference.


So for me, watching supernanny for tips could help. And having a family friend come over could work. But thing is, it's like his mind is designed to prevent any scenario like that from happening, since he knows it'll conflict with his anger. Like i threatened to call the one friend, and one time since he had advanced notice right, he talked about climbing out a window, and another time, tried to hide all the phones. It's like i need a super covert operation ;\ I'm sure we'll do some form of that at some point. But person who has teased him before has gone on a trip and is coming back in a few days (although he'll be leaving permanently within a week, which should be a good environment change), which is why i want to try the affirmation thing as something to help in the short term for now. Last thing I want to mention for now is his anger and boldness is unlike most kids. He really lets the anger direct his actions and overpower all his logic. I couldn't imagine talking about the different voices he uses to talk to his friends or w/e having any effect on him. He'd just shrug it off and say whatever.

Can anyone throw out any good affirmations for this, basically anything that belittles his control over others.

Ted,

I am delighted to have been of some help. I am sure your nephew appreciates your effort but I am guessing it would be 'uncool' for him to admit it. Keep being the positive person for him and treat everyday as a fresh new effort for him. I can imagine that not many people see him as a nice young boy but as a monster. When people treat kids like monsters then the kids will happily play up as a monster. Be a rock of positivity, love and empathy for him and show him that real men can control their temper, real men show respect to other people and model the behavior that you want him to display. Kids are products of their environment and you can change the atmosphere and environment without him consciously picking up on it.

There are so many little things that you can do to raise his self esteem (self esteem is not he same as bravado). Things like, get a photo of you and him having fun and stick it in your wallet, let him know that when you feel sad that looking at his smiling face makes you happy. Let him know that you like playing with him and that one day you hope to have a son just like him. Dont make your praise conditional on him behaving.

I am guessing that my advice does not suit your style but dont underestimate the importance of emotional literacy, most of my post was aimed at increasing his levels of emotional literacy. Take a look if you like. (it is nothing to do with reading and writing!)

Family Links - Nurturing Programme - Emotional Literacy

Good luck and please let me know how you get on,

Thanks,

Matt

okay well, here's the thing, it's like a double edged sword. I've tried to help him before with various relaxation remedies and techniques. And i also try to point out in different ways how his behavior isn't the way to go. But than that creates conflict, since he doesn't like it when people disagree with him. And than sometimes that leads to him blackmailing me and me intervening before he breaks something which would lead to me grabbing him and him hitting me etc, or he just breaks/throws it and theres a mess to deal with. The funny part is the more i disagree with him about him using blackmail or hitting to get his way, the more angry he gets and it leads to no where most of the time. So ya I'm a positive in his life for the most part but I turn into a negative when I try to fix his behavior ;\

About the kid's being products of their environment. Again, the environment is so hard to change, even if I set a good example, there's people in my family who are very rude at times with swear words etc. That is a solution but I'm guessing it'll only happen in the future depending on if he moves somewhere or other people move somewhere. The only other solutions are involving outsiders or putting him in a outside environment, or changing his belief. I really wish we could have a few family friends be on standby for a whole day and I could leave the windows open and page or beep them somehow during moments when he's really acting up. And I could also leave our door open. And than have a moment when all of them can come in when he's acting up. That works cause it's like he has 2 ways of acting and if they sort of happen around the same time, he'll have greater evidence that the way he's acting is the wrong way. You know what I mean? It's like a pattern interruption type thing. But ya so there's 3 solutions, and the easiest one I might be able to do is the changing belief/affirmation thing.

Emotional literacy thing is cool although the thing is, his consciousness supports his anger and boldness. So you need something drastic like the use of outsiders or when his consciousness is turned off (during sleeptime). I suppose emotional literacy can provide gradual changes but who knows. Btw yesterday he made a mess and it was because he told me not to say one more word and that was when I was in mid sentence and had 2 words left so was too hard to stop obviously. Anyways he said you didn't shutup and I threw the thing on the ground, i couldn't help it, it was automatic. That's the crazyiest thing, it's like he's acting off all these deep subconscious programs with just partial control over it with his conscious mind. So basically the car is running and doing different things but there's a super drunk person at the wheel. He used to be able to control it better, than one person was teasing him more etc, idk.

I think affirmations can help but gotta find the perfect one. One that goes 95 to 100% against his ACTUAL belief, rather than 60% or ones that aren't even really related.

Ted,

There are more options open to you than confrontation and going head-to-head with this child.

Treat your efforts as if each attempt is a test. If what you do works then do more of it, if it does not work then try another angle. If you always do what you always did then you will always get what you always got (I heard that somewhere).

Maybe he is not 'super drunk', maybe is stone cold sober but does not know another way to drive. That is where you come in with your model behaviour.

With the whole blackmail thing, that is a power struggle which he is winning. It sounds as if you are not getting all the support to build a united effort to instigate a change in the environment which is a real shame. An approach with the threat to get you to stop talking maybe to say to him (when he is calm and playful) that next time he tells a person to shut up that they will not follow his commands but carry on with exactly what they are going to say, no more and no less. In addition to that tell him that whatever he breaks will be paid for by selling his toys and he will lose pocket money and other fun stuff (this is all supernanny stuff). If he goes a whole day without making the threat then he can earn pocket money back and earn treats. The positivity I mention is one where he has lots of praise for good behavior and gets nothing (think about secondary gains) for bad behaviour.

Have you tried giving him responsibility? Changing his role within the family will change his behaviour within the family. Let his choose what you are all having for tea, let him help buy the food and cook it. Let him choose what plates and cutlery each person has. And I dont mean..

"lay the table. lay the table you little shit. lay the table!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! blah blah"

I mean

"what do you think are the best plates to use with fish fingers?.... Thats a good idea, are you going to let each person get their own out of the cupboard or seeing as you want them to use those plates is there a better way you can make sure the right plates are used?"

If he kicks off then reply

"I suppose the food will taste nice whichever plate it goes on and anyway, since when does the chef lay a table! Do you want ketchup or mayo with your food?"

Positive, positive, positive.

There is another TV show called The Worlds Stricktest Parents BBC - BBC Three Programmes - The World's Strictest Parents: Series 1 and in fact they are not strict at all, each 'strict' family are just keen to live with rules and respect. They take some of the most demanding teenagers I have ever seen and turn them around.

Maybe, his school has some help for you? Maybe they can get you some help? The picture I have in my head of the environment you talk about is giving me the thougts that maybe the chap is better off with a new family or in a boarding school situation. None of that is to punish him but to get him away from the fuel of his bad behaviour and into a place where he can get expert help. Just a thought.

thanks for another tv show recommendation. i'll hopefully check both of those out sometime soon. Anyways you can't challenge him like that, saying the person won't shutup and he'll lose stuff. He lost some of his gaming equipment before and it didn't really make a dent in his behavior. The way I think about it is, he likes the power of having control, and the thought of having no control gives him an uneasy feeling. Like i think this was all brought about by one person in family teasing him before. You know when someone teases you, you have no control over what's happening. Just gotta find some way for him to think about things differently, but ya easier said than done.

I do agree that changing things or going about things differently can help. I suppose there are things I can do differently, or where I can respond differently. I tried before in the past to do something, like i forget, but he did something bad and i just did some random act and he was laughing. But than he started to tell me to do it again, and it became hard to repeat that. Not sure what else I could say. Giving him responsibility could increase his self esteem which maybe offset how mad he gets when he has less control... but ya a lot of these ideas are mostly iffy at being successful, since his anger seems to mostly stem from his beliefs. Hmmm i see the one idea as a pattern interrupt which is help in reducing the automation of his actions, makes him think "this isn't how it normally goes", and the 2nd idea of giving him responsibility as helpful in the way of you are giving him respect so he might copy that behavior and give respect back to people, which will reduce his ability to blackmail. I do like that idea for that reason since he does copy behavior from others, so this could be a way to use that in a more positive way.

Trying to research more about that emotional literacy thing.