Hi
I have a new client, stable, straight, well adjusted, etc with a problem

He has recently become fixated on a woman. It seems very sociable, polite, dignified, and I am wondering what processes to do?

I have some ideas ... first of all I have to get a lot more information, as to exactly how this is a problem, and then I was thinking:
-eliciting strategy and triggers
-changing the submodalities of the various stages to less desirable (ecological?)
-swish on triggers
-like to dislike (ecological?)
I would be grateful for any input/ ideas!
Thanks!
Nina

Hi Nina,

Interesting thread. I think you are right when you say more information is required as regards how this is a problem to your Client.

This sounds from what you write that this is a new infatuation about a woman he has encountered recently, or is it an old friendship, and now he wants something more ? I assume that he has broached the subject of a relationship with her and been refused, or is he presupposing rejection ?

Questions I would want to ask would include, not necessarily in any order,

• Is there a history of "infatuations" and unrequited feelings ?
• How is he obsessed, i.e. thinking about what she is up to all the time ? Imagining a long term relationship together ? Is it more about lust (at least at this stage) ? As you say, what are his strategies for doing so ?
• Is he physically stalking her/ arranging "chance" encounters or obssessing from afar ?
• Finding out more about her by "getting to know" her friends etc.
• What's going on, and has gone on in the rest of his life ?
• Who does this woman remind him of, if anyone at all ?
• If his current internal state is a problem to him, how does he want to experience attractions ?
• How does his explicit or latent enthusiasm for the woman affect her response ?

With all due respect to your professionalism, I am suggesting that as a practitioner as well as helping him with his stated problem(s), there needs to be some assessment of what this man may be capable of and confidence that in addressing his issue(s), he is safe to do so.

I can understand that you may not want to post too much personal information about him here, so I am not expecting an answer to any of those questions, they are just food for thought.

I also think you are right to highlight possible ecological difficulties in seeking to change how he experiences attraction and to whom. There is a risk that by resolving this obssession using her as the content that he ceases to be fixated by her, but transfers his obssessive tendencies onto someone else. Generally, and in my own life, there is a lot to learn I think about ourselves in critical examinations of our attractions, especially when unreciprocated. In seeking to change his obssession quickly, there may be a danger that his potential learning is not maximised or that the probloem does not remit.

In the mid 90's I attended some Tad James Timeline related seminars. He then had some very nice guided visualisation/inductions about breaking ties that bind (unhealthy attachments)....at least I found them very useful to me at the time. No doubt (somewhere !) I have the original seminar notes/handouts etc, but it might take me some time to actually place my hands on them. I am sure others on the forum may know what I am talking about and point you in the direction of such with greater knowledge of his written work than I can right now.

Generally, any matter that generates an exagerated importance, or becomes obssessive, or involves any kind of fixicity of thinking to a disproportionate degree makes me look at the problem in terms of a trance, this man's obssession in this instance. So what would have to happen to break this trance, or interuppt his pattern, or bring forward the exit point to more of a here and now focus ? If he has been infatuated with others in the past, what happened there to break the spell ? Was it internal, externally triggered etc.

This seem to have turned into a list of questions. I hope at least 1-2 are useful, along with the pointer towards Tad James.

Regards

MH

I would say you cant go anywhere with this until you know WHY it has become a problem as you have stated yourself. Is it the case that one or both are married to other people or some other reason why it would be inappropriate to simply meet for a coffee and a chat. Has he lost focus on other aspects of his daily life in preference to this fixation?

Something to consider perhaps is focusing on something else instead of trying to STOP the fixation....

If there are similiar "symptoms" to getting over a relationship then perhaps the free script from Hypnosis Downloads would be useful. You may find even part of the script works for your clients needs.

The Get Over a Relationship Hypnosis Script from The Script Collection is specifically designed to help people who want to move on, but can't. Most people move on after a time, but some find it very difficult to get over a relationship. They continue to dwell on the past and think about their ex-partner. They can't imagine that they could ever have a new relationship.

The pre-talk will help your client get their first grasp of using time perspectives as well as implanting (or re-implanting) the recognition that life is full of possibilities.
The Get Over a Relationship Hypnosis Script from The Script Collection is specifically designed to help people who want to move on, but can't. Most people move on after a time, but some find it very difficult to get over a relationship. They continue to dwell on the past and think about their ex-partner. They can't imagine that they could ever have a new relationship.

The pre-talk will help your client get their first grasp of using time perspectives as well as implanting (or re-implanting) the recognition that life is full of possibilities.

Links below to Hypnosis Downloads resources

Straight to the free PDF -

Sales page with MP3 option -

Hi Nina
Here are my thoughts. Yes, I agree with the existing replies by Tom and Malcolm in that I would really want to get to understand the underlying thinking going on. I would have a low expectation of 'simple fix' routines having any effect. Infatuation operates beneath intellect; it has woken up some 'wiring' in the person. What is this 'wiring'?

It would appear worth exploring 'for what purpose?' - i.e. what will it achieve for you? What will that give you etc. And congruence - e.g. what will happen if you did meet this woman/ what would happen if you didn't/ what would not (or no longer) happen if you did not meet her/what would not (or no longer) happen if you did meet her? This should throw something into light (infatuation will not be a congruent solution to his life).

Attaching onto other things very often has the purpose of NOT having to deal with something else. So it can be with habits/obsessive behaviours of any kind - alcohol, exercise, work etc.. I pick-up particularly on the person appearing 'dignified' - could the client be far from who he really wants to be? As in 'straight-laced'? Perhaps this is the main clue - is it about self-permission to have what he wants (and to be free to pursue it healthily). What is it that he really wants in his life? What holds him back?

Exploring prime concerns can be a very quick and illuminating path. I can explain how to do this if you have not learned how to. It often gets right to the heart of the matter.

Otherwise, the clues will be in his Detailed Personal History; ask him about Mum, Dad when he was growing up. And brothers / sisters. Listen out for 'This means that' (Complex Equivalences)/ 'This makes that happen' (Cause and effect violations) and what he dislikes about others, the world, himself (turn these back to apply to himself to discover limiting beliefs).

Ask him, 'what is your attitude to relationships?'; 'What do they mean to you?'; 'what is important to you about a relationship? [i.e. values elicitation] - what else/what else - keep going - listen for 'away-froms'.

I love working on relationships!

Kind regards
Rick

Thank you VERY much for replies. To clarify - it is a problem becasue he does not want to have positive thoughts about her, he is happily married and this is a disruption to his life and work. He is not fearing rejection - because he does not want to take it further.

I am curious about prime concerns?

I am familiar with the cutting ties process - its a hawaian thing and very good.

Thanks for referrals - will look into them

Love feedback - look forward to more...

Nina

Hi Nina,

Thanks for the clarification, though I would say that you still need to gather more information and work help him work on a well formed outcome about how he wants to experience her in his life, if at all. I assume that he is in control of his actions. Could this be as simple as "immunising" him from her signals ? Probably not, relationship problems are often quite complex. There may well be some kind of secondary gain for him in having "positive thoughts" about a person outside of his marriage that are "not allowed".

Good luck

MH

Hi again
I've been asked to write what happened, it is nice when these things are dug out after some time :0)

There is another thread also relating to love, infatuation, getting over it, very different context and desired outcome though.

Basically with this client, the infatuation was a problem, as he was very much in love with his wife, had been very much in love with her for many years and regarded her as his soul-mate.

We did simple strategy elicitation on the infatuation, messed up a few of the submodalities, did a bit of re-arranging (smd work) on the wife puttng her back in the place his unconscious would most like her, (exciting and gorgeous again) and then I finished off with a bit of hypnosis, suggesting becoming increasingly aware of seeing all the many reasons why she was the one, I guess simply reminding him of all the great things about her and as always facilitating the unconscious to bring in all and every experience as an opportunity for growth and becoming on the path...

Interesting I have had quite a lot of these kind of issues, getting over relationships, or getting back into love again, all sorts of constellations...

What is this doing for him? Probably doing something