russianbear wrote:

Why do you have to deal with that person?

You don't. Its your choice. Keep feeling shitty if you want.

If it were another person you could leave them. Not really a viable solution with yourself now is it?

russianbear wrote:

Why do you have to deal with that person?

Because he cares about you so much he could nag you to death.

John

I'm lost

russianbear wrote:

I'm lost

I can see that! Looks like you are right about something..

If you don't want to deal with it now then don't, just leave it for when you do. In the meantime stop arguing for your limitations. Its a waste of pickled onions and I don't really care!

I wish that the limitations would not be a factor any longer

Tony, I wanted to write this earlier but John and John were making some good points and I did not want to stifle the flow.

I wanted to ask, how can you know it is not anything if you dont know what it is?

For example, how do you know it is not limitiations if you dont know what it is?

Some of the presuppositions of NLP are

5. All actions have a purpose.
Our actions are not random; we are always trying to achieve something, although we may not be aware of what that is.

6. Every behaviour has a positive intention.
All our actions have at least one purpose - to achieve something that we value and benefits us. NLP separates the intention or purpose behind an action from the action itself. A person is not their behaviour. When a person has a better choice of behaviour that also achieves their positive intention, they will take it.

Taken from The Presuppositions of NLP

Like the guys above I am sure your behaviour is full of positive intentions for you and I am starting to think that, with the most respect, you are too close and too involved to see it, that is fine and perfectly normal. Anyhow, the answers are in your subconscious and working with a practitioner would quickly open that up to under hypnosis.

A little like my own 'issues' I mentioned earlier I would have faught to the death to defend that my issues offered me nothing positive and to be honest I am not sure I understand it fully now, but I feel I dont need to understand the problem as it is no longer active. My best effort is to describe it as a summary of anger, feelings of being hard done-by and missing out on so much of my childhood. A family member I used to be close to and we went separate ways used to slurp their food and drink and for years after I would get very anxious and aggitated being near to people when they ate, if people did display this behaviour then I would get angry and aggressive, I'd be a smart arse and state they had bad manners, they were bought up badly and I would character assassinate them to anyone who would listen. It is a very alienating behavior, try being at work or going for drinks or lunch with your friends, but in my reality back them, I simply had high standards of manners and that people should learn to eat in a civilised way before going into public places. The reality I know now it that by slagging them off I was reassuring myself that it was my formerly close family member who I was reassuring myself their manners were appalling and passing the blame of past events on to them. If everyone who slurped their food was 'wrong' and had 'bad manners' then my old relation also had them. On my NLP practitioner course we went into a hypnotic state several times a day and you become very effecient at doing it and opening yourself up. After a morning with Richard Bandler and an afternoon with Paul Mckenna I had the environment and support network where I could put the pieces together and deal with it. However, like Phil mentioned about you, I always knew it but would never admit it, not even to myself- and then one day, I was ready to move on. And, like I said to you, there is happiness ahead of you that you never even knew existed. Once I had identified the root of the problem I made 2 phone calls, made some apologies and listened to some explanations and I have never had any problem again, such a liberating experience.

When I siezed up in meetings because some tosser had gone to the tea machine first I would, like you mentioned, ruin career opportunities and turn down chances to go out for meals and drinks with friends and I lost girlfriends over it. Christmas dinner was sat in my bedroom alone just resenting everyone for not coming and making the effort to want to be with me, when they did come and offer help I'd tell them not to bug me and tell then to get lost. When they walked away I'd just assume they didnt care enough to really want to find out. When things did go wrong for me and jobs and relationships broke down none of it was my fault, I just had a demon in me that would make me flip out and there was nothing I could do about it.

I am projecting too much of my own history into my advice but are there any elements that may make relevance to your situation?

Thanks

Matt

PS, When I came home from work I was tired and a little stressed and sometimes my 'damons' pop back in my head without me always noticing. I read another post on here about a chap who is over eating. Well, I spent about 5 minutes writing a reply to him which I deleted without posting. With the image of him stood by a buffet gorging himself in food I was (and did) basically imply he was a pig and should be ashamed of himself. He gets invited to a party to socialise but over steps the mark and sees it as another opportunity to stuff his face and basically choose food over respecting his friends that invited him over- all my baggage! But again like the advice you had earlier, I CHOOSE not to listen to my demons and never posted it!!

Matt,
Excellent post, and I agree with you, I would be best served by working with an expert. Sadly, there are none where I live. It's as if I know there is something wrong, I just don't know what to do about it. I am optimisitc, because I know it can get better, I just don't know, or I don't think I know, how to make it happen.

I heard of one story where a bloke flew on a plane and paid £5k just to meet with Richard Bandler to address the chaps anxiety he suffered when flying.

I guess the solution to your problem is not as im important to you as it was to that chap.

I wonder what will happen if I typed in 'NLP OHIO' into Google?

Thanks,

Matt

Wonder no more:
"NLP+Ohio" - Google Search

It would be worth five thousand pounds to me to fix the problem (would be nice to have five thousand pounds.....hell, it'd be nice to have five pounds).

I wonder what would happen if I rang one of the numbers from one of those weblinks and explained a problem that was concerning me and asked if the would do a free first session for me?

russianbear wrote:

Phil,
how do i find the positive intent for the behavior?

"ask and you shall receive..."

And if you don't receive the answer, thank your U/C mind for protecting you from something that you don't need to worry about, and also for the positive intent, because you know it's there anyway.

Oh, and Tony, remember last night, when you had the realization that this is a good thing, and you are no longer stuck!

Remember that life before...

...for just a little while...and don't dwell on it. Just know that you've had lots of unconscious learnings that you will carry with you for the rest of your life.

Now, realize that you have freed yourself for all sorts of possibilities that are all around you.

And if what you really want to do is sell cars, then there is not a thing wrong with that.

(and you can hear the next word in your mind already)

but...

(and I will let you finish that sentence now.)

Remember, we always have choice, and usually more choice than we can see at the moment! Now that should give you something to look forward to...

Phil

Hi Tony

Not too sure this will really be helpful for you. I can understand where you’re coming from as I had continual voices in my head and after listening to a few friends and some Bandler CD's I realised that I could in fact just "Stop It". Since I kept getting the same information from different sources, I figured it was a message; they all used as similar mantra. Now, whenever the voices start I use the mantra "Shut the F#%k up ". I said to myself, this sounds too simple to work,I repeated "Shut the F#%k up" about ten times and the voices stopped, and proved to myself that the mantra actually worked. My partner just uses the mantra "Stop it".

Perhaps, the best advice I can give you is that when you start to use it unconciously, that you don't say it out loud .


As far as the positive intent behind the situation goes maybe this will help. Something I recently discovered from a workshop dealing with Suicide was that when people have low self worth that they consider suicide to avoid the continual pain they associate with the issues that are causing them grief.

By helping those people shift how they looked at the situation was the key to helping then to regain self worth. Now, I use the knowledge I gained from the workshop in my everyday life and discovered that my whole attitude to life has changed. Seriousness and unhappiness are a thing of the past, everything has changed.

For me, this came about from understanding that my real self worth came from sharing my knowledge, my stories, and experiences with others. By doing this I found that my own views about myself shifted effortlessly. I no longer see my past experiences as failures but see them as lessons in life.

I think that the secret is to look for the lesson in each and every situation. Take the time to notice that every interaction you have with another is in fact an opportunity for you to learn and to teach them something. Wether you want to or not this will happen might as well enjoy it and use it to your advantage.

Even if all you do is tell them to "Go Away", you are learning something and so are they. For you it might be learning to set boundaries and for them it might be learning to handle rejection. Tony, there is always something to learn from what is happening in your life. The more you accept this and practice finding those lessons the easier life becomes.

Some lessons are hard and emotionally trying but there is a lesson there. Other lessons will make you feel good and laugh. Something I heard that makes a lot of sense is that real change happens when you can look at a situation and see the ridiculous side of the behaviour and laugh at yourself.

I remember that I once became extremely upset because I believed I was missing out on spending time with my partner because her children were visiting and taking her attention away from me. Because it was all about me, as soon as I said that it is all about me, I laughed at the ridiculousness of my belief (after all I am the most important person in my universe ) and the associated behaviour. Her children visiting has not been a problem since. It’s now a perfect opportunity for me to do whatever I want.

The mind body connection is a beautiful thing because your body will respond to what is happening in the mind. When you feel good, your body is releasing all those feel good chemicals that result from the feel good emotions and they all stem from what your mind is interpreting.

The mind body connection works this way for any and all emotions. Why not use this to your advantage and notice whenever you feel anything other than good and happy. When you begin to notice the reason and the positive intention/lesson associated with that reason; perhaps, like me and many others before me, you will begin to see the ridiculousness of the belief and the behaviour you previously associated with that situation. Try it, after all what have you got to loose.

It took me 46 years to figure this out; I was once a slow learner . Perhaps it won’t take you as long.

Be well and let me know if this helped.

Have a great day

Frederic

Tony,

I don't know if anyone has mentioned yet that something strange that is presupposed in the title of this thread so reflect on this a while..

"This is not how it is supposed to be"

The statement presupposes that you have some deal with the universe that defines how it is supposed to be and that what is happening doesn't fit, so is some way unfair and therefore something to feel bad about. Where is this deal stated? On your birth certificate? I looked at mine and couldn't find any contract. When did you agree to it? Did you have to sign something? You can only really have these kinds of agreements with another human being that you have come to some prior arrangement with. Then events might be able to contradict the deal. You can't have a deal with the universe. A smart salesman should be able to spot the difference between a real and imaginary contract, right? If you signed some imaginary deal and realized later down the line, wouldn't you do your utmost to get it invalidated? Don't you get to choose which deals you make, with whom and what terms? Would you make a deal with a table or a donkey, not have them sign and still expect them to fulfill it?

John

I had a deal with myself as to how I expected my life to go. It hasn't gone that way because of myself and I'm not at all happy about it.

Tony,

I wonder if you've heard a lovely old adage, which has become somewhat of a cliché, but I think applies very well.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"

--John Lennon

(I'm sure it didn't turn out for him the way he thought it would)

Tony, I had to throw my deal out a long time ago. And guess what? What I've ended up with so far is so much better than the deal would have been.

Breathe.

Be now.

phil

Phil,
My deal has been foresaken long ago too and I am, without a doubt, far worse off than could be imagined.
I just want to be happy.

russianbear wrote:

I just want to be happy.

How's that for a well formed outcome?

Happiness is a side effect not a goal!

Take me away to the land of OK (as one client actually said!)

Hay Tony


So what are you doing other than rolling in self pity? to become happy? sitting on your arse typing how crap your world is, does not seem to be working, or is it? you talk about you having a deal with yourself about how you wanted your life to be- and things so far have not gone your way- have you thought that maybe you might rewrite that contract- and filter in a better way to start over?

Now your talking about being happy, happy is a "state" and or "mood" there is nothing to stop you feeling happy- because you have two ways to feel happy at anyone time, think of a time when you have/was happy in the past or imagine what feeling happy would be like now- and you will start to feel happy- so the feeling happy or lake of it is a crock of shit!!!

Maybe what your missing a bigger purpose or mission to fill in what you what out of life.. The thing you seem to have an abundance is a lack of direction- so maybe rather bitching about what you don't have- make a list of what you do have and are grateful for and that way your going to make better choices because your are in a better state- Now I my choice to write in this more direct way- is because joining you in your map of the world is crap- and we wont be doing that shit!

Tony Life can and does sometimes become a place where we feel like stuck- and what tends to be the most common cause is ever we are stuck in the past or unsure about the future- so we have to deal with a different place- which is in the moment- you can only make any difference- as to how you want your life to be in the moment- in the now- all your resources- all your learnings all your wisdom all your personal powerful are with you right now- and as blue and as down as you may be feeling- the thing you have to do and as scary as it maybe is to take 100% responsibility for your state of affairs- because the only person who can change you - is you!! and your not going to be able to do that from a place of blame or wishful thinking..

My place in the world is not to be popular- yet it is to push and poke fun at and provoke- and I am very good at it-

Yet we don't need to know much about me what we need to do is have you make a choice- so lets be hypercritical- for a little while- ok its 5 years from now and your sleeping in the streets!! and your weekend hobby is being beat up by the gangs around town- and you smell like piss and beer and you can imagine that? now think its 7 years no or 2 years from that five years and now cos you have been busted up so much you live in the sewer and you only come out at night you eat out of the garbage cans- and you have now shadow because its embarrassed- to be with you! and even though thats only hypothetical- its a possibility- and something you can keep in mind while your doing the self "pity stuff" Now Like all good things in life we have choices to make.. and you can aim for the dark vile life or you can what? what? do you want and be specific because is your talking in generalities and thinking in generalities then your only going to get generalities!! So as your thinking about How to get from Here to there- thee being Successful empowered and in balance- you can keep that dark hobby in mind- So you know you have a set of better choices- at any one time- or you can enjoy being a beat up bum that smell of off beer and piss>>

Or you can make a real choice and make the right effort to get the life you want-

You Only have this moment the now to work with- choose the right action and your be fine.

Be at peace

Jay

Jay Budzynski wrote:

Hay Tony


...
Maybe what your missing a bigger purpose or mission to fill in what you what out of life.. The thing you seem to have an abundance is a lack of direction- so maybe rather bitching about what you don't have- make a list of what you do have and are grateful for and that way your going to make better choices because your are in a better state- ...

Jay

This, for some reason, really stands out for me.

russianbear wrote:

This, for some reason, really stands out for me.

Then do it. Its good advice. Remember knowing about it won't make the difference - but doing it will. Gratitude is one of the things people do that has the side effect of more frequent happy feelings!

Show us your list in your next post, so we know you have done your homework and really mean business rather than just talk!