This is Not How It Was Supposed to Be...

Or maybe

'It' and you are both you.

You hold yourself back and sabotage your life, maybe keeping this in your life gives you something else to blame?

Jay,
Perhaps you can understand the frustration of knowing something is wrong, of feeling a way you don't want to feel, yet to be completely clueless as to how to fix it. Imagine struggling with a problem, constantly searching for a solution, and coming up empty-handed. It sucks. It has to end.

Hay Tony


I have been in some very very dark places in my life- and I know more than some, what goes on behind the screens of the inner cinema we call mind- its because of my experiences of having a direct understanding and noticing the way in which you are using language- that I recognize how I used to talk to myself- and the only way to jar someone out of such ways is to face it head on- "we" can't hide from life we can only deal with it, and maybe only "in small chucks"- yet we have to deal with it- in a mindful and total self-responsible way..

Tony sometimes looking on the outside is the wrong place- life does not happen out there- it happens on the inside first-

What happens if you just allowed your life to suck anyway and just got on with being happy and successful despite how you feel?

J

I guess nobody every accused you of being compassionate. Your contribution here is no longer welcome.

Someone I know who is a bit strange has made me laugh with some of the things he has got mad about and done over the years. He had a phase where he had a bee in his bonnet about beggars. So he started checking the local ones out, testing them, to the extent of even following one home if they claimed they were homeless. He wanted to sort out the sympathy seekers from the truly hopeless. One beggar who was every day in the same busy place near the town centre got more than he bargained for. He had this old beat up suitcase, a perfected misery look, badly written sign and other essentials. My friend who in front of all the usual passers by, stood shouting at the beggar and had the crowd turn and look accusingly at him. How could he do that!? So he ran up to the beggar, kicked open his suitcase, to reveal just another empty prop. The crowd were then really confused as the beggar who then started looking very sheepish and no longer a bit miserable or in pain simply scurried away to shouting of "I know where you live!"

Did my friend lack compassion in preventing many passers by from feeling sorry for this beggar unecessarily?

You see, seeking sympathy intentionally is a form of aggression and a bad habit. You have to create situations in which someone feels a little bad for you to get what you want. Help is not what is wanted because then more sympathy wouldn't be necessary. Any attempts at help must be foiled. The compassionate thing to do is to stop all this in its tracks.

..but maybe I am just not feeling very compassionate today?

Jay,
Like I said, it just creeps in and messes with me.That's why I feel I must cure it to be able to move on.

Tony-


You have a choice to live life and just get on with it or wasting time looking at something that only creeps in and goes- from time to time- why don't you just allow it to creep in once in a while- and do other things in the meanwhile that way you get to what you want- you get to keep you self inflicted crap yet at the same time- you get to be happy and successful if you can't define "IT" then it's nothing more than a misdirected set choices- so as you can only deal with the now- if you was to take a deep breath and feel you feet on the floor- right now in this moment- as you are reading this- right where you are- if you was to make a choice to take just one step to take right action- and that right action would be to just make a choice and do it- what one tiny thing could you do that would be safe for you- to do- now this could be go for a walk or if you feel like doing something creative write yourself a letter- and what you want to do is poor your heart out- everything that you feel is get in your way write down everything that is up setting you write down- and in as much detail as you can- now after you have got all the crap out on paper- write down what your life "could/would" be like after you have cured the "it" and do that in as much detail as you can- then put the letter in an envelop then seal it-

Then allow your inner being to know that have a plan- and than give yourself permission to get on with it..


J

Hi Tony,

It seems to me that the positive of you having this part is that it is a part of you, if we never made any mistakes we would never learn anything or at least not as much as when we have the courage to try new ways of doing things. You are learning so many new things that if you took a step out of yourself for a moment and look at yourself you will realise that you have to thank that part of you that makes you you!!

STOP LOOK and LISTEN then act accordingly, stop the sabotage you really do Know how by now! Apologise to those you have hurt that you love it's amazing how many ways you can find to say that you did not mean the hurt and that you know better now, you do because you have told us so. Reframe your marriage, instead of looking at all the waste of time, concentrate on the good times you had and keep that memory for yourself!

Life is what you make it, be nice to life and life will be nice to you! It's 100% guaranteed!

Violeta

I am not, have never been, and will never be suicidal. I would much rather wallow in my misery than go out like that.

I'm afraid I missed this the first time through. I'll drop the premise that we're talking about a third party. Sorry for any confusion.

it just creeps in and messes with me.That's why I feel I must cure it to be able to move on.

I just read the story of Castor and Pollux, which is the one behind the the Gemini constellation. It's interesting.

Michael,
I've not read that story, but I'll put it on my list of books to read. I wouldn't care so much about this "part" or "demon" or whatever it is if it didn't make my life miserable. If I could just go on with it still there and just had to deal with it from time to time, great. But I don't necessarily think that I can. A good friend of mine called me last night in spite of him being quite ill and, as I told him, I have a lot of things I need to figure out. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life and I want to get that straight as soon as possible so that I can move on.

Having been around this forum for a while now I am sure you have begum to realise that people here see things differently.

Most of the things we talk about are simply metaphors and models, just like the ones we create for ourselves like having an alta-ego perhaps.

There is no ‘wrong or right’ to any of this but there are ‘useful or not so useful things that we do

So here’s a way of looking at models and it’s up to you to decide exactly how useful it is.

The only thing that makes Tony miserable is Tony. That is GREAT news because it puts the control back with you where it should be.

The part that you say make you miserable is doing that for a reason. Just like physical pain it is a warning that something is not quite right.

What would the person who believes he can be a great actor do in this case?

Figuring out what you are going to do with your life IS moving on. I also know lots of people who take each day as it comes and have a great life. That is no good or bad in this either only thinking makes it so.

I thought the title of this thread was great and wondered who had been doing the supposing, it didn't sound like it was Tony. Perhaps it is almost time for Tony to get back in the driving seat.

John

Warning: only read this post if you think it has been useful to you.

John,
What do I do about the self-destructive part, though?

John,
What do I do about the self-destructive part, though?

The only thing that makes Tony miserable is Tony. That is GREAT news because it puts the control back with you where it should be.

The part that you say make you miserable is doing that for a reason. Just like physical pain it is a warning that something is not quite right.

For start find another, more useful label than that one.

John

Tony,

At the risk of sounding simplistic...

...find the positive intent for the behavior that you have determined is not useful for you (you know there is one--I might have some ideas about what it could be, but you know what it really is).

Then thank your U/C for that.

The rest? Well, there are a variety of tools to help you sort it out, but six step reframe works for some people some times.

Was that too simple?

Oh, yeah, and remember to love yourself. All of yourself. Yes, I'm working on that too. You know that, just like I said to you last night!

Phil

John,
How about "non-physical pain in the ass" as a better label?

Phil,
how do i find the positive intent for the behavior?

What do I do about the self-destructive part, though?

The idea that there is any possibility that this "part" is interested in your destruction is ridiculous on its face. If you're serious about moving forward, you have to trust that.

Ok, "self-sabotaging pain in the ass"

John,
How about "non-physical pain in the ass" as a better label??

Marginally better.

How about "The really good friend who cares about you and is telling something you don't want to hear"?

John

Ok, "self-sabotaging pain in the ass"

The presupposition in sabotage is having a conflict going on which is probably the opposite of what would be a better situation eh?

What would be bigger than either side than includes both? What is common? What unifies?

For example, if "self-sabotaging pain in the arse" were something you called another person, how far do you think that label would get you in having them want to deal with you constructively? Not very far I reckon..

Wake up and smell the roses!

The presupposition in sabotage is having a conflict going on which is probably the opposite of what would be a better situation eh?

What would be bigger than either side than includes both? What is common? What unifies?

For example, if "self-sabotaging pain in the arse" were something you called another person, how far do you think that label would get you in having them want to deal with you constructively? Not very far I reckon..

Wake up and smell the roses!

Why do you have to deal with that person?