Please can you help. Things have ended with my girlfriend of 3 and a half years. I love and loved her very much. She does and did me too. We couldn't agree on steps to go forward. She had certain things she wanted which seemed contradictory to me and when I tried to say what I wanted she interpreted it as a criticism of her. The upshot is that she ended things with a heavy heart.

I feel heartbroken. The end is very recent. I am to put it mildly really scared about the future on my own. I'm 37 and have never been married but would love to have a family one day. I feel the years are against me. And thats the point of this email. If my relationship has well and truly ended and I have to face the future...well can you give me any advice. I have some nlp experience and have read Paul McKennas book I can mend your broken heart but essentially I'm struggling with the belief my future could be really bleak without the girl who I have been with. It hurts.

thanks for any comments
Alex

The hurt you have is from feeling rejected. The reality is that you want different things and that is why you can not agree the steps to go "forward". So you have not been rejected. Your Ex is probably feeling pretty much the same way. Wanting different things means that you are better apart. Even if you love each other, it is not on to ask someone to give up their Ambition In Life. Neither is it on to ask someone to be different because you want it so, it just doesn't work. The best you can hope is that you can be friends at some point in the future after you both come to accept the hurt of finding out your mistake.

Being scared is a normal part of sudden unexpected change. You will find that this can turn into a challenge and adventure. 37 is not old for a man to be unmarried, it is in fact the average age of marraige for men. There was a time befor mass credit and easy morgages when a man would not have been able to support a wife and children until later than that. Your future is opening up, be brave and get out there to meet new people doing the things you like to do. Join social groups such as SPICE. and sports groups if you are into sport. Go to dancing classes you will be pleasently surprised at how many women/girls are just waiting to be asked to dance. You just have to step forward in a new direction.

I am a few years younger than you, but in a somewhat similar situation. I can't point at my own actions and tell you to duplicate them, but then again, few are able to actually live what they teach. You feel you have left a relationship that of course contained many good things: love (to some extent?), care, a clear path to follor, and most of all, security.

When you move away from soemthing secure, be it a relationship, a home, a career, you are likely to feel some anxiety when faced with new choices and new paths. Here it is good to not dwell on what you chooses to leave behind. Replace sorrow with gratidude. Be thankful for the beautiful times, and everything you have learnt, be thankful for what it helped you become. Try this: put it in words, to be grateful for everything that happens. For example, "I am thankful for being able to discover new things with all this experience now". Life is full of small setbacks and successes, all these setbacks are just a moment in time that you choose yourself what you want to make of it, and good things always comes along.


To use Bandler's words, "whenever faced with sudden difficulties, view it as a rare and unprecedented opportunity to build a better life". This is a new and great opportunity for you, and your options are endless. Think about this, and in your mind, be grateful for this opportunity.


As for your age and situation per se: 37 is not old, and you have decades to raise a family. I believe that when you spend several years in certain surroundings you may easily lose faith in your ability to do extremely well in another situation (as single, for example). You don't forget how to ride a bike. and you don't forget how to be happy and well, and meet new people. It is easy to choose to believe "I can't" but it is as easy to choose to believe otherwise.


You can.

Alex wrote:

She had certain things she wanted which seemed contradictory to me and when I tried to say what I wanted she interpreted it as a criticism of her. The upshot is that she ended things with a heavy heart.

Dear Alex, I feel that things don't have to end this way. If you are sure that she misinterpreted your communication, you could try to change how you communicate so that she understands exactly what you feel. After all, the meaning of the communication is the response one gets. I am not sure if things have reached a stage where it's not at all possible for you to even contact her anymore, but, if you can, you could try one more time. You could start by apologising if she is hurt and then, tell her what you want to tell her, in the way she understands. I wish you all the very best.

Vivek.

Thinking about your post again Alex, If you have said that what she wanted was contradictory that would be critisism whether or not it is critisism of her depends on how you worded what you said. In either case if what she wants and what you want do not coincide then you realy should be looking for a different person. One who does want what you want.

ramblin man wrote:

Please can you help. Things have ended with my girlfriend of 3 and a half years. I love and loved her very much. She does and did me too. We couldn't agree on steps to go forward. She had certain things she wanted which seemed contradictory to me and when I tried to say what I wanted she interpreted it as a criticism of her. The upshot is that she ended things with a heavy heart.

I feel heartbroken. The end is very recent. I am to put it mildly really scared about the future on my own. I'm 37 and have never been married but would love to have a family one day. I feel the years are against me. And thats the point of this email. If my relationship has well and truly ended and I have to face the future...well can you give me any advice. I have some nlp experience and have read Paul McKennas book I can mend your broken heart but essentially I'm struggling with the belief my future could be really bleak without the girl who I have been with. It hurts.

thanks for any comments
Alex

i agree with some of the comments in the other thread re "love pain" (my one).

the solution:

you need to learn to love yourself again, exactly the way you are.

so think of the positive resources inherent in yourself and expand on them. make them vibrant.

thank you for all your comments which I have found really useful - sometimes admittedly hard to read because, well, I'd love there to be a solution where me and her stay together and its all ok. I've also put a lot into the relationship, which I wanted to, and now have the reality of rebuilding a life and losing a lot of the friendship circles I built with her. I find the thought of rebuilding hard in comparison to the love and affection I feel for her and the potential of letting her go - in my thoughts at least. We both got close to jumping into a deeper commitment together and just going for it (and man that's so tempting now) but never quite made that very final jump.
I appreciate the time you all took to reply and the suggestions because it means a lot to me to have some outlet to talk this over and reflect on things. I still feel a bit lost and my emotions are still haunting me about the end of things with her.
Alex

just read through the above posts and can i echo once again how grateful i am for the comments. I will take these on board.....even if i'm not doing a great job of it yet...