I am not looking for over the net coaching just ideas really if anyone has any...
I am slightly concerned for my friends daughter who is displaying some pretty maladaptive patterns of behaviour. Well I think they are anyway. It seems that her 12 year old daughter thrives off negative attention to the point that she will push and push and push until she gets some. My friend was at a complete loss although I have started the ball rolling and wondered what other peoples approaches would be.
Her daughter appears to adopt multiple personalities depending on what she is after which is nearly always negative attention. Sometimes she will be nicey nice but as soon as that doesn't get her what she wants she will adopt something more negative to get what she wants.
She makes friends but then I suspect they get bored of her and she starts accusing them of stuff which I doubt is true. Given this she spends a lot of time at home playing that virtual life game the sims. Problem for me is that when she drops it all she is a truly lovely girl. I have the skills to pass on to my friend so she can do it herself and am curious as to different approaches that could be taken - I would hate to see this unnecassary behaviour continue into adulthood. Thanks in advance

Does she really thrive off negative attention? Or is it that she thrives off attention and uses 'negative' means to get it?

What would happen if her Mum gave her far more attention when she behaves well and took attention away from her when she behaves badly?

Mr Bullyproof

nlpglasgow wrote:

Does she really thrive off negative attention? Or is it that she thrives off attention and uses 'negative' means to get it?

What would happen if her Mum gave her far more attention when she behaves well and took attention away from her when she behaves badly?

Mr Bullyproof

Hi Mark I was prob a bit sloppy in my language. Obviously it is positive for the daughter - any form of attention is. She thrives off being shouted out, winding her mother up and won't stop until she gets it. As it is a friend I am not as hardcore (yet) as I would be with a client but you are right at hinting that my friend the mother takes responsibility as well. You are also right at rewarding more of her good behaviour and I am working on that one. E.g if daughter doesn't do washing up well make a big deal of the one thing she did do well even if it is just a plate. I have also suggested to my friend to write out a pattern diary of when she "shouts" and when she praises over a week maybe and I think we would both suspect which way those patterns will be weighted. I think the biggest thing stacked against the success is that my friend is separated from the daughters father and she excels at getting what she wants at her dads and grandma's. Thanks for the response it has made me think about it a bit more.
If anyone else has any other approaches I would be interested to hear as I quite like the idea of family coaching - something I had previously not considered

Reading the post, I was wondering what information second positioning the girl might provide you.

John

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education

Hi John. The more comments I get the more I realise how much I actually have done already. While I am tempted to theorise over personal history I think its best to stop there and just see it as a learned pattern that can be altered. Having spent significant amounts of time on 3rd positioning with Carmen last week following your suggestion I am going to teach her (daughter) to 3rd position herself in regards to her intention and ways that could serve that intention better if not as good as the current one.

I need to work on my friend as well and she has come along leaps and bounds. Before I knew any of this stuff her default reaction was "to shout" instantly so in fairness its a learning curve for the whole family. The shouting has reduced significantly and I suspect that is now how I can see her daughter pushing harder which wasn't as obvious before. If my friend hadn't come as far as she has in terms of parenting/herself I would be reluctant to facilitate but I can kind of see a slight misbalance as I would like to covertly/overtly do the same with her children as well.
I won't apologise for banging on about Bateson but he said working with one person in a relationship is like studying half a chicken. If anyone has any other suggestions even if it just consolidates my current skills/"work" I would be grateful and I know my friend and her family would be as well. Thanks John

Sometimes young people don't realize they can make strong statements with soft words.

Venus