A client (36) said to me at the end of the intake session that life is pointless if she can not be the best in the office, the most gorgeous looking, most intelligent and most perfect in every way. She has an incredible high pitched voice, like a young 12 year old girl and I was surprised when I met her to see a 36 year old woman. She comes to me for weight loss as she sais that she wants to lose 30 kg to be on the outside who she is in the inside, but whenever she reaches a certain weight, she stops herself and feels that she is scared of the outcome, as what then? At this point she wants to be helped.
The weightloss is for her a means to an end to get into her fairy tale life, the relationship she wants and having lots of babies. As she is overweight, she does not allow herself to get into any relationship as well as believes that as her body is not perfect , she rejects good work offers, as she thinks my body is not perfect, so why do people believe I can do the job well. Regarding a relationship she sais: "What if I am perfect and get into a relationship, what if my partner is not perfect or I am not perfectly in love, or my life is nevertheless not perfect." Yes, I have my own sense how to proceed (Core transformation with the part which makes her stop), nevertheless I would be interested what thoughts or ideas you might have concerning the usage of NLP in her case. Thanks a lot for your insights.

Hi Edel,

You can very well proceed with CT to address the part that stops her from achieving her outcome. My hunch is, if you are able to communicate with this part, you will be faced with interference from other part(s) that want her to "be perfect". And that's desirable, because I think it is this issue of the "be perfect" driver that is far deeper and could get her into bigger problems in future. There seems to be some core belief associated with "being perfect" that seems to be ruling a greater share of her activities as well as goals. As you start working with her, these issues could surface on their own, which is even better than you telling her explicitly that this obsession with perfection is badly placed and she needs to do something about it. Let her learn about it as she learns to communicate with her own unconscious. Meanwhile, it would be helpful to keep Timeline techniques also in your toolkit.

All the best.

Hi Edel

Fear of success can sometimes suggest the apparently-desired outcome does not actually sit well with the ecology on a deep level, leading to sabotage. As well as Core Transformation with the 'stop' part, it might be worth exploring the beliefs that conflict with it. Also, the secondary gain from not achieving the 'fairy tale' might offer clues - for instance, would having babies mean to her that her career is over?

Perfection is a nominalization ripe for dismantling - ask her to define it fully, then ask her about counter-examples in her life that nevertheless led to a satisfying outcome. You could mention that nearly everyone's seen unflattering paparazzi shots of celebrities on the beach, or read about their topsy-turvy private lives - they're not 'perfect', but that hasn't stopped them following their dreams!

Hi Edel,

I think that the CT will definitely be useful. Have you asked her how she will know when things are perfect? Does she have an end product in terms of mental image of how she wants to look?

I would also be inclined to find out what she gains from staying as she is. I have a feeling that there is definitely a strong secondary gain with her. I would also check for a fear of success because once she has achieved the weight loss what next?

You mentioned that she has a voice like a 12 year old and Gustav has already suggested time line therapy. I think that I may be inclined hypnotically regress her and to look into her past and probably early teens if I could find the root cause and see if I can not only change her present condition but also change how she views her past from the point of root cause to present day and then into the future.

I would look at how she knows. Is she internal or externally referenced.

I believe that success and happiness are due to the journey rather than the destination. If she can move towards this belief then the perfection will become less important since it then becomes a direction rather than an end it itself.

Greetings from a new boy.

What strikes me most forcefully about this thread is that I believe this is not a matter for NLP at all, but for psychotherapy/hypnotherapy.

The trigger for this need for perfection should be found and resolved.

Sorry to be out of step.

D

9Steps wrote:

What strikes me most forcefully about this thread is that I believe this is not a matter for NLP at all, but for psychotherapy/hypnotherapy.

The trigger for this need for perfection should be found and resolved.


D

David,

What are your criteria for selecting NLP or hypnotherapy/psychotherapy?

Chris

Chris, hi.

If there is a specific cause (generally found in childhood), then I would probably use hypnosis (more accurately a combination of hypnosis and psychotherapy, therefore appealing to the rational and non-rational parts of the mind simultaneously). This is because the world-view is likely to need changing deep down.

If the behaviour has an adult or unidentified origin then I may well use NLP techniques to change the behavioural patterns (what I refer to as 'brief therapy' - deal with the presenting problem directly rather than looking for a world-view cause).

I know this is a bit vague, it's a bit hard to codify on an 'if-this-do-that' basis because there are so many variables, but that would be a starting point.

The proper application of any skill learned to the unconscious competence level will very often be intuitively clear. That's how it all works.

D

How about simply asking her to find a dozen or so examples of successful women who society would deem overweight? I'll offer Beth Ditto, Dawn French, Victoria Wood, and Rusty Lee for starters. Then I'd ask her what's really going on, if those women can be large and in charge and get what they want, and she reckons she can't.

adrian r wrote:

How about simply asking her to find a dozen or so examples of successful women who society would deem overweight? I'll offer Beth Ditto, Dawn French, Victoria Wood, and Rusty Lee for starters. Then I'd ask her what's really going on, if those women can be large and in charge and get what they want, and she reckons she can't.

I LOVE that...... Large and in Charge.... amazing!! This is so powerful.

Once she starts from a place of empowerment then she will take steps to get the life she wants.. it begins with the inside.. not the other way round. So think in terms of helping her achieve resourceful states from which to plan strategies and build confidence in her ability to believe she is already perfect.... the rest is just HOW! That's where you come in with NLP and support.