Hello there!
I have a problem I would really like some help with. Can anyone help?.. It seemed to come out of no-where and it's getting worse, FAST!

The only way I can describe it is extreme self-consciousness. It started with occasional blushing around 3 years ago, in the last 6 months it has gone completely out of control! I have lost a LOT of confidence - I dont know if that is a result of the blushing, or vice versa, or maybe the 2 co-exist due to some other cause. Maybe I should give some background and context.

I used to be very confident, (despite not being the most secure/stable person!) - I believed I was good in front of a crowd, I liked to be the centre of attention, ( I was a teacher overseas at a young age, so that illustrates it! )

Then I got a job where there was a man who made me feel very uncomfortable - that was the first instance of the blushing I reckon. It got worse when I realised it was a recurring problem, I started to change my identity to that of 'a blusher' 'someone who gets uncomfortable easily'. ..At the same time, I got a boyfriend who was incredibly paranoid and suspicious and thought I was cheating on him. I got interrogated so often by him that I actually started to act guilty!! (I found all this to be fascinating to be honest - I was amazed that my behaviour was changing slowly but surely). I dont know if this is relevant at all, but around the same time I quit smoking cannabis. Maybe certain insecurities and a soft and maleable self-image were left exposed for the first time, vulnerable to negative influences?!

Anyway, it stayed at around the same level of intensity until I got a new job 6 months ago - I was thrown in at the deep end to set up a new project, with no support or proper management. I ended up in so many situations that knocked my confidence and made me look a fool! Things have evened out now and are better at work, but its too late. I am worse than ever now with this. I avoid all my meetings, I avoid going out incase I see someone I know (this triggers a panic attack and major blushing for some bizarre reason), i avoid any situation where I could be centre of attention, I even avoid 1-1 conversations with people because they will be looking directly at me and I cant handle it! I'm hyper-conscious of everything being said - and anything that can remotely be linked to a sexual connotation (and Im talking very tenuous links). the wierd thing is - Im no prude! Quite the opposite! In a situation where I cant be scrutinised, Im the first to crack a filthy joke and have a laugh!

I know what some will be thinking.. There are themes here of 'being exposed', sexual stuff and the like.. But I cant think of anything that has happened that would trigger such a crazy train of reactions.

I hope this isnt too personal? What if people I know read this??

I have to interview for my job again next week - I cant tell you how much Im looking forward to it.
Aaaargh... Is there any hope for me?